31. Rainflower

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Rainflower:
meaning- I love you back, I will never forget you

***Trigger warnings for two panic attacks, prolonged trauma, vomiting (1 incident with little description), and mentions of blood.***

Start the song. It's Comfort by Basement.

Going shopping with Papa while Jenna was still in the hospital was the hardest thing Josh had ever done. Papa told him that the blockage in her uterus was still trying to clear itself out, which put stress on the baby. Unlike Papa though, Josh didn't feel calm about the statement, "You two might have to try for another baby in a few weeks. This one might not make it."

Josh kept his sleeves pulled down over his hands and his hood up as he followed Papa through some tiny outlet store that Josh had been tasked with finding clothes for Tyler in. As much as Tyler hated doing it, he'd told Josh his clothing sizes today, so Josh had jerked him off again as a reward. Tyler was still smiling when Josh kissed him goodbye after breakfast.

In all honesty, Josh was a little too distracted for this. He was trying to focus on buying clothes that Tyler would actually like and feel safe in, but the fear of having to start trying to conceive another baby with Jenna in the near future paralyzed him. Thankfully, Papa had said Jenna's life wasn't in danger. She was just being kept at the hospital so the baby could be monitored. Papa was going back to the hospital once he'd gotten Tyler's clothes and food he deemed easy enough for Josh and Tyler to make for dinner without making a giant mess or "overfeeding" the flowers.

When they climbed back into the van, Josh felt guilty because he knew he hadn't worked hard enough at finding clothes Tyler would want, but he couldn't focus. His stomach was churning, and it wasn't just from the pain medicine Papa had given him with his waffles this morning.

"Are you getting sick again? You look a little pale," Papa said worriedly as he started the vehicle.

Josh just scooted across the bench seat at the front of the van so he could rest his head on Papa's shoulder. "I'm just worried about Jenna and the baby."

His father was quiet for a moment before Josh realized he hadn't used her flower name. Now he really felt sick. His stomach lurched as he immediately shot away from Papa, cowering against the door as he apologised over and over again.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to call her that. She's peony. No, Dahlia. I'm sorry, Papa. I'm sorry," Josh whimpered out, beginning to tremble.

He flinched when the old man touched him, but his muscles relaxed when he realized he was being hugged. He sniffled, burying his face against Papa's shoulder and crying. He cried until he was out of tears, listening to his dad hush him gently and rock him back and forth.

"I'm not mad, son. It's okay. She's your wife. You can call her whatever you want now. It's okay, son. It's okay," Papa soothed gently.

"Papa, when am I going to stop being so scared all the time?" Josh sobbed out. "I don't want to be scared anymore."

The old man hushed him softly once again. "It's okay, Juniper. There's nothing to be afraid of. You're my little boy. You're safe with me. You're always safe with me."

Josh nodded, sniffling quietly. "Papa, do you promise you'll love me even if I can't give you grandkids?"

The old man sighed as he rocked Josh. "I'll always love you, son. If your sister can't have babies and your brother won't, I'll find you a girl who can. You aren't the problem. I've taken such good care of you that it's impossible for you to be unable to have a child. Dahlia has just withered for too long, and that's my fault."

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