Fleurs Captives (Joshler)

49. Lilac

Lilac:
meaning- first emotion of love, innocence, memories

***Trigger warnings for PTSD, prolonged trauma. panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, memories of past abuse, mentions of blood being drawn, talking about Jenna's miscarriage, and mentions of urine.***

Wait to start the song.

Josh had to talk to a psychologist again today. They'd only been getting his recount of the past two years in fragmented pieces, and he'd discovered that he couldn't remember weeks and months of his time at Papa's. He'd told the psychologist today about passing out from pain on the side of the road after Papa had beaten him up. The woman sitting in front of him was speechless for a moment once he was finished.

"Do you think you really did want to die in that moment?" She asked him in a soft voice.

"Yeah," Josh replied simply, tugging at a loose string on the pillow he was holding. "I wanted him to kill me."

The woman nodded sadly. "Did you ever have thoughts about hurting yourself or ending your own life while you were there?" She asked just as carefully as before.

"Yeah. Pretty much every day," Josh replied, tracing the pattern on the carpet with the tip of his sock-covered toes.

"Have you had any thoughts about harming yourself since you've come to the hospital?" She pressed.

This was an important question, and Josh knew that. It would probably determine whether or not he could go home, but his parents kept telling him to tell the truth about how he was thinking and feeling, so he told the truth.

"Sometimes when I think about the dead baby I want to die, or when I think about how Papa's gone and it's my fault, or when Tyler isn't around, or when I have to talk to the police. Mostly I just wish Debby was here, and I was buried instead. I think sometimes that Papa is going to find out about things and come kill me, and sometimes I think that might be easier than having to pretend everything is normal again. I don't feel normal. I feel half-wilted most the time," Josh replied honestly. Then he added, "Jenna's getting surgery today to get the dead baby taken out. I feel bad that I never loved it. I still don't. I hate that thing, and I'm glad it won't be inside of her anymore. Papa would kill me if I ever told him that."

"Do you feel like you're a danger to yourself? We can talk about Jenna in a minute, but I want you to be honest with me about this first," the psychologist told him carefully.

Josh thought about that for a moment. "Tyler, Jenna, Maddy, and my other family need me. I can't hurt myself. People need me to take care of them and keep them safe."

"Do you consider yourself to be in the list of people who need you to be safe, or are you more worried about what the people around you need?"

For a moment, Josh didn't answer. He stared at the psychologist for a moment as he tried to process that. "It's easier for me to survive if I know the people around me are safe."

"Josh, do you generally think in terms of survival? I've noticed during the past few sessions that you tend to talk about things that help you survive, but you rarely talk about living or enjoying life. I'm not saying you have to be ready to move on from everything you've been through already, but can you see yourself feeling safe enough to be able to live instead of survive someday?" The psychologist proposed softly.

Once again, Josh didn't respond immediately. When he did, he asked a different question. "Have you ever had someone tell you that they love you and that they're capable of killing you in the same sentence?"