There Are No Words

Chapter 7A

Jenny

I've heard people say, "Oh, my! There are no words (for how I feel)! Thank you so much," when they've received a special gift or surprise. They're so happy that they find trouble expressing their joy with words. They jump around a lot, they laugh, they hug, they cry. Eventually, though, they do find their words. The same is true when they're sad, angry, or just excited and speechless.

For me, "There are no words", is now my literal. When that branch hit the side of my head, it took away my ability to express myself.

Aphasia.

That is the name of the condition I now have; Aphasia.

To be more specific, the kind of Aphasia I have is called Broca's Aphasia. In a nutshell, it means that I have everything I had before the accident. I cannot express myself like I used to, though. I can't get out into words the ideas that are in my head. If people speak slow enough, I can still understand everything that is spoken to me. I can also understand what's going on around me. I can think and comprehend. I can't talk back, however. I open my mouth to speak and just as the words leave my brain to reach my mouth they're suddenly stolen. Here one second, gone the next.

For whatever reason, I'm also having trouble with my writing.

Sitting in the hospital bed, I discover just how different my life has become because of Aphasia.

I want to go over to the windowsill. There's a nest of baby birds on it and I want to see them. The trouble is, there's an IV in my arm and I'm wearing a heart monitor on my finger. Also, the rails of my bed are up so I don't fall out of it. I want to move the bed rails down without ripping out my IV. It's a challenge and I'm having a hard time. I guess my balance is still off because I get a little dizzy while rustling around with myself. I'm going to try, though. I just want to do this. It's not too much to want to see some birds, right? I've been cooped in this sterile hospital environment for days. I just need to see a little bit of nature and I'll be happy.

As usual, once I get an idea in my head, I start off towards doing it, no matter what.

I twist and tug and pull to no avail. Damn bed rails! What do they have in place to hold them up? Why can't I get them to go down? Where's that stupid button the nurse used to make them move?

I'm careful, or so I think, and keep trying, but somehow I end up yanking on my IV the wrong way and the thing pulls loose. The next thing I know, the bed rails give way and I'm bleeding and laying on the floor. I landed on my shoulder and if I were a cartoon, I'd be seeing stars. That hurt like the bajeezus.

I get so frustrated and mad at myself for falling out of bed that I start to cry. Making matters worse, I'm starting to feel woozy. My stomach doesn't feel so good. A hot flash runs through me and I suddenly realize that I have to get to the bathroom before I throw up all over myself, or something worse, while laying on this floor.

Just then, Nurse Shore runs into my room and finds me lying in a heap of sheets on the linoleum. It's the end of her shift and I can tell she's had a long day. She looked all done in and ready to fly out of the hospital a half hour ago when she was last here to look in on me. My laying in a pile on the floor just cost her a speedy exit. Consequently, she starts yelling at me. I try to respond back; to defend myself. Meanwhile, Nurse Shore is calling for help. A male nurse comes into my room and they start talking about me as if I'm not even there. Just because I can't speak coherently doesn't mean I'm deaf, I want to tell them. I can hear everything they say. They don't even try to ask me what happened, they just get to work around me.

Suddenly, amidst the commotion and all of the people, my IV machine tips over and on its way, hooks onto a ring that suspends the privacy curtain around my bed. The weight of the machine tears it and in an instant, the cloth is coming down around us. A metal prong from the curtain gets caught in my hair and I scream. Both nurses, and now an aide from the hallway, rush towards me to help. I feel my hair being yanked at the roots and wince in pain. My hands go to the side of my head as tears escape my eyes.