Binders, boys and BigHit. What could be more simple in a gay transboy's life? And does one really need a bias when a bunch of handsome men are falling for him as if he was the one under the spotlight? But what if they find out he wasn't assigned mal...
The thought of being worthless dawned on me day in and day out. It was a crippling fear of mine. As the person I am rejection never came lightly. When I first came out to my family I feared every second of if. They called me unwanted, they called me not good enough. I was thrown out and was just a kid honestly. I remember sleeping at parks, and working under the table jobs for laundry mat money so I had clean clothes for school the next day. I built up more and more fear as time went on. Jisu found me at my worst and helped a lot with building some confidence. But to this day I still had very little. My only other ray of sunshine in my world of darkness were all the artists who inspired me. My life has changed since I met some of them, but things seem to just be getting worse. I began to fear other trainees. Skipping classes became a genuine habit, or I'd go for the night ones alone. Anything to avoid the whispering from those who did see me, and to make it easier for those who tried to stay away from me. I just became so alone.
A month into this endeavor I started listening to the whispers. What I heard was actually so ridiculous that I questioned why the hell I was shutting myself out. "I don't understand why he even comes here, with the ties he has to this company." "Isn't (Y/n) the guy who got accepted hands down at an audition? Some angel bullshit or whatever?" "How else would he get in here? I've never heard him sing. Not even once and he barely dances. He probably has no talent." My ears perk up entirely. The people around me assumed I had ties to the company? That I just walked in the door and became a trainee with the snap of a finger? Since I've met Jisu I was put through extensive vocal and dance training. I applied, and auditioned for five different companies, and got rejected multiple times. I was rejected by Big Hit three times alone. For over a year I was in America doing the same thing while learning an entirely new language. I worked my butt off to be here. I've overtrained for months now. If I was so connected, why aren't I in a group already? Or starting my career as a solo artist? Oh, because I don't have talent. Right?
"You're right. I don't have talent," the bitter words leave my mouth mockingly. All the side chatter and comments about me halted as eyes bulge my direction. Mouth like cotton, eyes threatening to spill rushing waters that slowly caressed my bottom lids, I choke up. I've never heard myself say such a thing, but I guess life is full of firsts. I gather my belongs in a hurry, and pivot to the door in a stumbling mess. Anything to be away from thus seemed fine, no matter how foolish I looked.
The demons that whispered inside my head seemed to have escaped to my external life. The life I was beginning to love shot down like game during an open season and sold for the gossip of my peers. Darkness embracing me once last time as I reconsider the possibility of giving up. Who cares if I wanted to fly?
So, my lovely readers. This is super short on purpose for once, but it will be extended later. I want to know how you're feeling with the story. Is it too dark? Is it too jumpy? I want this story to be something everyone enjoys. ^-^ If you don't have an opinion to give me, then I'd actually love to hear some concepts for future chapters. I try not to let my story lines be by random. I plan way in advance so while I'm in the planning stages I'd love some insight.
Thank you to those who read consistently! I see you, and I purple you so much. 💜💜💜 Until next time.~
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