Do I have to choose? (BTS x Ftm Reader)

Chapter 31

(Y/n) pov

Tired would be an understatement. So much drama has happened with these boys that I cant function. After the whole porn incident we were all hounded down by the staff, and prepped for the next concert. But that all feels so long ago. Only a few weeks have passed yet I could swear it's been a year as I stumble into the hotel elevator. In the middle of the tour Bang-nim decided to get in contact with us, stating me and Sin need bett need experience. "You're being tossed in with the background dancers. On stage experience might help." Training started almost immediately. Practice to the point I almost forgot our own debut choreo. "Come on, (Y/n). Isnt this great?" The words echo in my head every second my room gets closer. It's amazing really, but I just want to sleep. The tired shuffling, and incoherent murmurs of the boys only making me feel worse.

How can feet be in so much pain, but numb at the same time?

"(Y/n), quit day dreaming. Get off the elevator because I'm not holding it open all night," Sin groans impatiently causing me to dash into the hall with everyone. Namjoon being the first I see, gives a weak smile as he throws an arm around my shoulder.

"You boys wanna crash together like old times tonight? Order some room service and got the hell to bed?" The leader asks as we proceed down the hall. I was fine with that. Either way I was going to bed, so I was okay with whatever everyone else wanted to do. Without much say so all the boys shuffled to Namjoon's room and threw their limp bodies to whatever surface would hold them. I chose the floor, sighing a huge relief that I wasnt moving anymore. Pins and needles rush to random points of of muscles causing me to groan. Every ached, everything stung and I just needed my binder off to be home free. Of course, I didnt think of that before cramming into a room with eight other guys, and only one of them being aware of my situation. Not to mention there was one more thing I need to take care of.

"Hobi hyung," I sit up quickly to look at the older. "Your room is next door, right?" Hoseok nodded with looking at me. His arm was draped over his face, hiding his exhausted expression as he just barely listens to me. "Do you mind if I go get some clothes? I don't want to go all the way back downstairs." Hoseok doesnt answer, but simply reaches in his pocket. With a slight fumble a room key flies through the air in my direction.

I instantly run out the room, and down the hall. I was in serious pain. If it wasnt hard enough hiding the binder situation on this tour, testosterone has been so much harder. On my shoulder was on the go medical bag. I tell everyone it's for iron deficiency when they question it, but it's a over stocked set of prescriptions I need to get through this tour. Hormone treatment isnt exactly the easiest when you're on the road... in different countries...

Alone in Hoseok's room I ripped off my shirt, and immediately tangle my way out of the death trap made for squishing useless chest fat. God did it feel so good to breathe. With the fear someone may come in, I run towards his closer to pull out a t-shirt and long sleeve over shirt. Layers are a savior that most people wouldnt understand. If I had to have any religion, its clothing. They provide comfort, sex appeal, coverage, warmth, sentimental memories, and most importantly stealth. What more could I need in life? Attempting to be less squirrely and distracted, and slide my pants of while grabbing my bag.

My favorite time of the week.

I pull out my new syringe, and the last dose of this months testosterone along with a bandaid and alcohol pad. Quickly cleaning what's necessary to not take too long before everyone questions where I am. Relaxing my leg once ready, I hold my breath before inserting the needle into my thigh. Theres a pinch, but it's nothing compared to how it used to feel.

Now I'm just happy.

Except when I hear a small gasp from across the room.

My head jerks in the direction of the sound as I finish my shot as calmly as possible. With no words I look Jeonguk in the eye while removing the needle, and  bandaging myself.The room keeps its bitter silence even as I clean up and put a pair of Hoseok's sweat pants on. Its painful to not know what Jeonguk is thinking... feeling. I'm terrified the more he doesnt make a single sound.

He could be so disgusted, and I can't tell because he wont say-

"Are you a diabetic? Or were those drugs? Is there something going on here?"