Do I have to choose? (BTS x Ftm Reader)

Chapter 14

Taehyung p.o.v

Im exhausted. Tours, radio interviews, talk shows and shoots. One right after the other, draining all life and energy from me. I want to say it's worth it, that I'm glad I'm pleasing fans. That I'm so happy Army is supporting us. But random people want to collab all of a sudden, the people are wanting more and more, the fan wars are getting more aggressive. I'm a card game, a doll, I'm starting to feel like an item more and more. I can't seem to focus on anything anymore, what happened to feeling so happy? I wanted this didn't I? This kind of life... Perhaps I want to go back home to Daegu, and hide away on a farm so nothing can overwhelm me like this.

Or maybe I shouldn't feel this way, and be grateful I have a life like this. A life where I am a product, sexualized, a source of clout and no longer have privacy. I loved sharing my life with Army, but it all became too much. Sasaengs came about, hateful fans crawled from the wood work and for what? To listen to a group of pretty boys sing. I'm not sure how I feel about my role in life. I'm crushing other groups out there and leaving them in the dust because of our groups insane popularity. I don't find them any lesser than us, but here we are above them. Why can't the world recognize the as well? It's all so confusing and messy.

"Something's on your mind," his voice was so soothing to me. My little bird sweetly pulling me from all those heart wrenching thoughts. "It's nothing to worry about."

"That's a lie. You were silent for over 20 minutes now, and you're crying."

"No (Y/n), I'm no-" I felt it. The streak of a warm liquid sliding down my cheek ever so gently. He could tell I was crying, before I even knew. My voice didn't tremble, I hadn't shook at all but he knew the tears we're brimming in my eyes as he sat in the sturdy silence I left him in. "It's okay, please don't hold it in anymore."

Just like that, I cried more. Like a child I wept, and whimpered for god only knows how long.

I had built this persona for him, my dear friend who didn't even know who I was. He got to know a strong man, flirtatious and humorous. I wanted him to see those things, a side of me that wasn't expressed very often. He accepted it, but some how he managed to grass through that shell and know me better. When did we become this close? I didn't know, but my heart swelled so much. It hurt. I didn't know if it was my lying or if it was the pureness of him, but something pained me more as I sobbed there on the phone.

We were having nothing more than a nonsense conversation, so how did it lead to this?

"I don't understand, why do you know me this well?" I tried to figure it out. The only ones who could know me this well was Bangtan, and it took years to understand each other with such intensity.

"You're like me, Tae... I just know."

I'm like him? Am I really? I can't imagine him fearing taking the wrong step at all times.

He seemed so composed, so in order. The thought of fear, doubt or even regret never seemed to go along when he came to mind. But perhaps this was his own persona. A wall he put up to seem fitting in my eyes.

A laugh leaves my lips unwillingly before I hear him sigh in a small form of relief. He was my star at night, especially the ones where I couldn't sleep. Our schedules didn't always line up but when they did I felt so over joyed.

I'm not sure why I did what I did that Christmas eve. It was dangerous, and reckless. But something told me I wouldn't regret this boy. Which I don't.

"Will I ever see you again?"

Will he? Can we meet with me being the person I am? I wouldn't want to put him in danger. I don't want our relationship to change.

"I don't know, little bird. I want to," it wasn't supposed to come out but it did. I wanted to see him again. I'm not brave like Jin Hyung who tries to sneak away for days with that one boy when we aren't busy. I'm not as charming as Hosoek Hyung when he leaves cute messages for that person he seems to be liking. I'm not as brave as they are.

I'm scared.

I'm scared he will hate me for lying. I'm scared he doesn't like me the way I'm starting to like him. I'm terrified that I'll put him in danger. I don't want him taken out of my life.

I'm scared.

"Why?" His question startled me out of my anxious thoughts once more. "Why what?" "Why are you scared? You said you were," I seem to be revealing everything to him in this call.

"I'm scared that, if we meet you'll have to leave me. Or would even want to," my heart drummed madly against my chest. It was telling him, screaming for him to stay. If it were any louder he might just hear it.

"Tae, you are one the last people I'd ever consider leaving."

"Even if I'm not what you expected?"

"I expect a man with kind eyes, and a big heart. You're like a home to me now, you've been a support to me without even knowing it. Nothing will change my mind about that."

"Home?" It is safe to assume I was more than baffled. He was sincere, and it sent shivers through my body as I listen to the receiver. He drew a long breath, his answer soft.

"I'm not sure what this feeling is, but it's so warm. Please, if anything, please don't leave me."