Do I have to choose? (BTS x Ftm Reader)

Chapter 32

Jeongguk pov

What do I do?

I'm frozen in place as I wait for an answer from (Y/n). But instead, we just continue to stare at each other. When something did happen, it was just him casually cleaning up everything around him. The silence was suffocating, and a lot scarier than it seemed. I just wanted him to explain if he needed help with something i was more than sure we could get it.

Was it medicine he needed? Was he a user? I could quite grasp what I just saw or why he was acting so calm. Should I call someone?

I didn't have a clue what was going on. Maybe getting help wouldn't be a bad idea...

"Jeongguk, " (Y/n) called out to me in a choked whisper. "Could you come here?" He didn't look at me. His head hung low with his hands in his lap as I made my way over to the bed where he sat.

"It's not what you think." His voice was trembling as if he was about to cry, and I couldn't help myself when I hugged him gently. We sat there in the silence again. It didn't bother me as much as before, but it was worrying. I wanted help.

"(Y/n)! Are you still in there?" A hurried knock beat at the door alarming us both. The voice in the hall sounded a lot like Daejung. He sounded completely rattled. "(N/n), seriously open up. Kook left the room a while ago, and I don't know where he went. If he comes in here he might see."

So Sin knew what was going on. It makes sense that he would.  Theyre obviously best friends, band mates, they love each other as bangtan do with one another. Naturally they have their secrets too. It's silly to think that everyone is open with each other now, but it felt like we were.

This entire tour has been so fun with the Little Sinners. I didn't think we'd have any dramatic run ins like this. Yet here we are. I'm lost on what to do, (Y/n) isn't explaining, and Daejung is at the door with no idea that I can hear him.

It's all a complete mess.

"Coming, " (Y/n) has bottled up the little emotion he showed earlier as he shrugged me off to go open the door. His steps were slow and his entire demeanor was uneasy. I wasn't sure what I should do. Sin just warned (Y/n) about me, how was he going to react to me already being here? It all felt like a fever dream that I couldn't shake. I wasn't sure when I should respond, or even how.

Nothing made sense.

If someone would just include me in the loop it would be great.

Once the door is opened Daejung's face seems to immediately pale when we make eye contact. I couldn't blame him. What if I hadn't seen, and he basically announced something was going on through the door? Even I know how much anxiety could build up in that kind of situation.

"U-uh... Hi Jeongguk, " the air was awkward when Sin greeted me. Silently, I nod back before clearing my throat. Something's got to give. There's just no way i can watch (Y/n) stab himself with a needle and not get over it. If no one was going to explain what they were hiding then...

"I'm sorry Jeonggu Sunbae."

(Y/n) turned to me. It was only then that I realized his cheeks were swollen, and stained with tears. He must have been crying this whole time. When our eyes actually met, however, there was no sadness in his eyes. Pure fear, anger, and pain hid behind his weak smile that honestly broke my heart.

We haven't been the closest. We barely knew each other besides the tour and a few run-ins. Yet i just wanted to hold (Y/n), to hold him together so he didn't fall apart in front of me. I was scared.

"It wasn't insulin... and I wasn't doing anything illegal. I promise that much, " he spoke to me with a weak voice while Daejung stood idly at his side. "I- I didn't want anyone to know." (Y/n) looks at his palms before pressing them to his eyes.

Sniffles rang out from behind his sleeves as he continued. "Sunbae, I'm a freak of nature. All my life I've been trying to fix myself, but im scared that if anyone sees the broken side that they'll throw me away or look at me differently."

I didn't know how else to respond other than, "I won't look at you diff-"

"Yes, you will! It's not as simple as some dark past. Jeongguk, I was born in the wrong body!"

"What?"