Do I have to choose? (BTS x Ftm Reader)

Chapter 19

Practice had been running for hours after that phone call. Seok finally came down to the company building to work on choreo with the rest of us. The day dragged out for what felt too long. Our bodies barely catching breaks, and thriving off of water and granola.

"Come on Bae, be more fluid. You look like cardboard," for the first time in while I was leading this practice. I felt I was being a bit harsh, but no one seemed to question my antics. Maybe it was because we all strived to make sure this debut would be perfect.

"Alright, let's run this through one more time. Except I want to see everyone individually with their eyes closed. We need to be able to do this in our sleep, okay?" Sin was basically gasping for air as he squared down to the floor and told us his plan for the next section of practice. It wasn't a bad idea at all, but a break was definitely in order. The sun had gone down, and we needed real food. While the rest sat down and skimmed over the concepts we talked about with our visual director for our debut stage, I decided to order some food for everyone.

When dinner arrived, it was like watching a pack of animals after a hunting. Digging in like savages, and not caring about deceny. But with their metablisms there was no need to worry. Not to mention our jobs were sure enough to burn off whatever we ate anyway.

I really enjoyed times like these. It felt like I was apart of an amazing family with similar interests as mine, and we weren't going to just abandon each other. We had amazing mentors to look up to, and a great company that let us actually work with our own style. I felt as if we were going to make it bigger than I ever dreamed of being.

But as a family, I feel I'm keeping too many secrets from them. I don't want to ruin what we have, I just fear the worst. What would they think of me? Would I be a freak? There could be so many outcomes, and so many paths that could follow if I told them the truth.  My mind was everywhere once we started over again.

Daejung taking the lead temporarily to properly execute his idea, I stood to the side lines. My thoughts occupied me, almost dazing me out entirely before the others caught my attention again. At some point though, it wasn't my thoughts pulling me away. I was practically dozing off.

I was getting tired. I haven't felt this winded in so long, but I need to get ahold of myself. My sides hurt, and my chest was heaving aggressively. I need my binder off. But the others were here, and I didn't an excuse for suddenly having a not so flat chest if I took it off. I messed up.

I didn't let dysphoria win this argument, I know I need to breathe. I slip out of the practice room door, and pad down to the nearest restroom. Once inside a stall I practically rip my shirt off, it being my only blockade from the the binder that felt as if it was getting tighter every second. Carefully I peel the dreaded chest compressor off of my form, and let my shoulders fall limp. Finally relieved of the pain, my lungs fill with air and heave a heavy sigh.

In doing this I missed the sound of the restroom door opening to let someone else in. I did however hear someone calling to me. "Riot? You in here?" It was Sin, he seemed to have worry laced in his words. Reluctantly I call back from my spot in the stall. "Yeah, what is it Hyung?" His feet could be seen under the door as he approached my stall. "You kinda ran out, are you okay?"

Shit. If I tell you I'm okay, he won't believe me unless I leave the stall... "I'm good. Just needed a breather," he didn't say anything back. The silence was almost unbearable. "Daejung?" He still didn't answer me, but a black object dropped over the door. I picked it up to see it was a large shirt, obviously too big for me. Confused I looked at the door as if it could explain the meaning. "Wear it. It's loose and easy to breathe in... I'll see you back in there."

Just like that he was gone. Nothing, but the sound of my own heart beat could be heard within the room. My mind took a moment to process it. At first I thought he just thought I might've been too hot in the long sleeve shirt I originally wore. That he was just being a good friend.

I realize now, he was being a great friend. He was protecting me. Because he knew. He figured me out on his own, and hadn't said a word. No hints were left for me, he just supported me in a inconspicuous way. People would kill for a guy like him to be in their life. I just got lucky I suppose.

I reach the practice room, and take a seat beside Daejung. My head rests on his shoulder and his head on mine. My silent 'thank you', and his unspoken promise to keep my secret made the moment a lot more sensitive than I expected. A single tear slipped from my eye, causing a glistening streak on the side of my face. I knew it was there, but hiding it seemed to be the least of my concern.

"Let's get back to work, yeah?" Daejung stood and pulled me to my feet to join the others before we finally went home for the day. Our bodies ached, and eyes were heavy. After everything, there was no time to think. The only thing left to do was sleep. I could face the world in the morning, and thank my lucky stars they I had such amazing people in my life. Sometimes we have angels on our shoulders and we don't even realize it. Maybe I should look more often.