Touch Me, Don't Love Me // styles

t w e n t y - s e v e n

I think 15 minutes have already passed since I stepped outside. I've already finished a cigarette and she's still in there. What's taking her so long? Maybe she decided to just play with the twins for a while just to fulfil her promise.

It might take her a little while more so I decided to light another stick. I kicked the pebble at my feet and pushed past the white fence and closed it again. There were a few cars lined up in front of the house so I walked towards the blue van right in front of the pathwalk to the door and leaned against it.

As I exhaled a thick smoke, I tried to recall the look on Lily's face when Lena came over to our table and sat with us. I just can't believe that someone as perfect as her would be jealous of anyone or anything. I don't want to make any assumptions about how she feels about me, but I know one thing for sure, I would never want her to feel like that again. I will do anything just to make her feel that she has my attention and affection all to herself.

I was distracted from my thoughts by the sound of the front door closing. I didn't even notice her stepping out of the house. As soon as I looked at her she gave me a soft smile. She then skipped happily towards the fence.

"Is that your third already?" She gave me a questioning look as she stepped out of the fence and closed it again.

"No." I exhaled the smoke away from her. "This is my first."

She crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows. "No it's not." She even tapped her foot, waiting for my response.

"How do you know that?" I brought the stick to my lips again and inhaled once more.

"Because you've been waiting for me for quite a while. You won't just stand there doing nothing." She looked at me as if saying 'Am I right?'.

"Okay... It's my second. But you still guessed wrong." I threw what's left of my cigarette on the ground. "Let's go." I said and started walking away.

What I hate is that when we're out in public I'll have to act normal. I don't even know what 'normal' is when it comes to this. All I know is that me and Lily, whatever we are, it's not normal in other people's eyes. At least to those people who know us. This town of West Goshen is pretty small. Almost everybody knows everybody. Maybe not by their names but they know where you live, where you go to work, who your parents and siblings are, your friends, sometimes they would even know the things you're going through because things like those spread fast in this town. For the past year I just tried not to make contact with anybody as much as possible because I don't want them to be minding my business soon.

But Lily... I think almost everybody knows Lily. She's always smiling and always sweet. It's hard to not feel lighter once she talks to you or even notices you. She's so beautiful and pure that everybody would want to get to know her. And I don't want to ruin that. That's why I'll have to be as careful as I can ever be.

"Why are you walking so fast? Are you in a hurry?" Lily shouted from behind me. I stopped for a while and looked back at her. She was slow running just to catch up with me. I got so lost in my thoughts again, which happens a lot.

"Yeah... sorry. I have this things with the guys..." I scratched my head a bit trying to think of what I'd tell Lily to do while I leave her alone in the house.

I don't want her going off to somewhere I don't know with her friends. And I don't want her to sit alone in the house. I want her to just be with me. But I can't take her out of town with me. Mom will be mad if she finds out.

I pulled my keys out of my pocket and unlocked the front door of the house. We stepped inside and I went straight upstairs. I need to change to a shirt. This thing that I'm wearing is hot and already drenched in sweat. I unbuttoned my shirt as soon as I reached my room. I went to my closet and opened it to get a black shirt. I tossed it over to the bed and slipped the ones I'm wearing down my arms.