Touch Me, Don't Love Me // styles

f i f t y - f o u r

// LILY //

It's almost been three weeks and Harry hasn't called me yet. He hasn't answered any of my texts either. I spent the weeks throwing myself in bed after school, and dragging myself up every morning.

This is unbearable.

I've never felt this way before... like I want to just die.

It was a Friday, after I got back from the doctor to remove my cast, when I heard mom's and Harry's conversation downstairs. I just finished taking a hot bath and my door was open. Mom and Harry were at the living room, it was very quiet when I heard something that caught my attention.

"...And of course you'll come home and visit us here for every holiday honey." Mom's voice sounded of joy. When I heard what she said, I decided to listen more carefully. I stepped out of my room, wrapped in a towel, and stood at the top of the stairs, slightly leaning down to get a clearer sound.

"I will mom. I'll be okay out there, don't worry about me." I was so confused. What were they talking about? It sounded like Harry is going somewhere. For a vacation maybe? But why did mom ask him to visit us?

My heart started to race.

Where is he going?

"I'm so proud of you son." Then I heard some movements which I assumed to be them getting up from the couch. After that, only silence.

I walked quietly back to my room and carefully closed the door. I dressed while repeating what I heard to myself. Surely things are fine right?

Moments later, I heard some footsteps coming upstairs. I knew it was Harry because of how heavy his steps sounded like. I then bursted through my door and found myself standing in front of him with wide eyes.

"Lily, what's wrong baby?" There was something in his eyes that told me something's wrong. He walked closer and held me in his arms. I felt hot against his body. I tightened my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest.

"Nothing." I pulled back and looked up to him. I offered a smile which he returned back. But I knew it wasn't his real smile, his dimples weren't even showing. "Where's mom?"

"She drove to the grocery store." He said blankly. I moved my arms around his neck and he held me tighter.

"So... what's up?" His eyes suddenly darted anywhere but to mine. Then I felt scared. He let go of me and I did the same before holding my hand and leading me to his room.

"Uhm... how was school?" He crawled to his bed and laid down with his hands behind his head, looking at the ceiling.

"I didn't go to school today, I got my cast removed." I crawled next to him but he didn't move.

"Oh, right." He didn't even notice it. I raised my leg up and wiggled it for him to see. I chuckled then looked at him, his eyes still fixed on the ceiling.

"Okay..." I sat up and faced him. "What is it, Harry? I heard you and mom talking. I was expecting you to tell me but it seems like you're not planning on it anytime soon... so please just spill." I crossed my arms in front of my chest and furrowed my brows. Little did I know that I wasn't prepared to hear what he told me.

"I'm moving, Lily..." His eyes finally landed on mine.

"Oh. Okay. You're going to college." I guessed. "I knew that." I knew that was what he was trying to save money for.

"Yes. But I'm also moving out to... to-"

"To what?" I was on edge to know what's been bothering him.

"I don't know how else to say it..." He sat up, crossed his legs and leaned in to scan my eyes. His hand moved to hold mine, and he squeezed it tightly. "We... we have to stop this. I don't want to, but we have to. Because it's not going to be easier for us in the future. I just don't want us to go any further knowing that we wouldn't end right. You are not for me, I love you, but I know you'll be happier with someone else-"

"Stop it Harry!" I pulled my hand from his and covered my ears like a little child.

"Listen to me! This is my fault and I want to fix it before it's too late!"

"So you think we..." I gestured between me and him. "...are just a mistake and your fault?"

"The first time I kissed you I knew I was making the biggest mistake of my life..." He wasn't shouting, but it felt like I've gone deaf from what he said. He's leaving me. He's giving up.

"You're leaving me..." I said it, but it didn't feel real. It felt like a nightmare.

"Remember what you said?" He took my hands from my ears and forced me to look at him. I tried to fight my tears. "You said that we have to see if we really are for each other. Who knows right? That's what you said. But for now... This is what I feel is right."

"I said that to make you feel better..." I told him the truth. It makes me confident whenever he's vulnerable so I say things I don't know if I even mean. But I know that I don't want this. "And I'm taking it back now that you're leaving me!"

"I'm sorry Lily..."

After that he told me how much he loves me but I didn't listen. I ran off to my room and cried my heart out. He didn't follow me or pounded on my door like the last time I ran away from him. That's when I heard my heart break... and now, I'm lying here, thinking about him and when I'd see him again.