Hunger

t w e n t y - t w o

Week 4

I lay in Nate's bed, watching him finish his homework in his desk. He was doing some pushups earlier, to show off "his abilities", and I was actually jealous of him. I wanted to work out too, but I knew that I didn't have energy enough to even hold my weight in that position.

He kept saying "how can you be a gymnast and hold your body in a bar but not do a push up." But I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I couldn't because I'm too weak. I just said I was tired, and that our discussion was pointless, but I missed my strength most of the time.

I hope coach Harvey is lying and I will be able to train, but truth be told, I couldn't even think straight and surprisingly I couldn't remember the routine entirely.

"You don't have to watch me do my homework." He says turning to look at me.

"Believe me," I say sitting up. "This is the highlight of my day."

It was currently six in the afternoon and I couldn't be bothered to go home. I rather be here, than home with Chris, he keeps making me eat and watching me like a hawk. I think he knows what's going on between me and Nate. I mean I've been coming to his house every day after school for the past three days. Not to mention that sometimes I even sleep here.

"That's sad then." He replies laughing.

"Shut up." I say throwing him a pillow. "Want me to leave?" I say standing up sarcastically.

"If you want to." He says with a smirk. "But who's going to hold you if you leave?" He continues still smiling. "It can get pretty lonely at night without me."

"Oh, shut up!" I reply pushing him. "I sleep better without." I say taking a seat on his lap. "You snore and move around a lot." I lie biting my lip to avoid laughing.

"No, I don't!" He replies, rolling his eyes. "You are the one that snores like a truck."

"Shut up." I whisper kissing him.

We went back to his bed and like we have done every night this week, we did it. It felt so strange even saying that in my mind. I wish I could tell someone, my friends, but I don't have any, and it would probably bring more problems if they knew. No ever judged Eva when she told us her stories, and she had a lot of them. Why are they so judgmental over me?

I get home around three and went to my room. I opened the door slowly, not wanting to make a lot of noise and when I looked to the left there he was, sleeping on my bed. It's the third time he does this, and I sigh pushing him, and getting on the right side of the bed.

"It's late." He whispers, half asleep. "You shouldn't be coming home at this hour."

"Shut up." I whisper trying to fall asleep.

"Did you eat at least something at his house?" He asks turning to look at me.

"Yes." I lie, staring at the ceiling. It wasn't a complete lie, Nate thinks I ate the pizza. I feel guilty for throwing my slices away while he showered.

I thought he was going to leave, but he didn't, so I grabbed my blanket, got comfortable and fell asleep; ignoring his presence.

"Nate?" I ask, but he's gone, I don't see him anymore.

I stumble with something and was confident over the fact that I was going to fall down, but someone grabbed my arms.

He says something, but I can't hear him, and tries to take me to my bed. He doesn't sound like Nate anymore.

I kiss him, it feels different too, but I'm sure it's Nate.

The light comes through my window and I think I see Christopher face. "Chris?" I ask after our make out session, confused of what I'm seeing.

"Whatever you say Nathaniel."

I open my eyes, grabbing my phone and quickly turning the awful sound off. It's morning already? I sit up, and he's still sleeping next to me.

"Leave!" I say yawning and getting up.

I start walking to my bathroom and freeze mid-way, remembering what I dreamed just a few hours ago. I stare at him, rolling around in my bed, avoiding getting up and clearly falling asleep again. That was it? I wonder feeling disgusted. I only remember brief parts, and everything seems so blurry and confusing, but am I remembering?

"What?" He quickly asks sitting up. "Are you going to faint again?" He asks concern.

I stare at him confused, coming back to my senses, remembering I was looking at him.

"Katherine?" He asks frowning. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"What?" I asks quickly looking at the floor, feeling extremely embarrassed, and scared I was blushing. "Nothing," I stutter while walking to the bathroom. "Just leave my room, now!"

I enter the bathroom, cringing with embarrassment, but it went away, and I cringe over my reflection in the mirror now. I look under my bathroom sink and get the scale out. Why wait anymore? Just see the results and celebrate alone, since finding out in front of Harvey only make me feel more guilty and awful, instead of happy and proud.

I close my eyes, and wait a few seconds, quickly looking back at the floor. 123 pounds read the scale. Only three pounds since Friday? I wonder feeling sad and disappointed. I know I haven't been exercising a lot like I did before, but I didn't though it would affect my weight loss this much. I've been restricting, fasting and purging, how can it be?

I take a sit on the toilet and sigh, hating myself for not losing that much this week. Tomorrow is Friday again, maybe only losing three pounds will show Harvey that "I'm getting better", in some sort of way. Even if it's not true.

After showering I go downstairs and there he was, waiting for me at the table.

"Here." He says pushing a bowl of fruits in front of me. "You never eat breakfast, but at least this is healthy, choose."

I stare at the food and glare at him. "I'm leaving with Nate today." I say shrugging.

He stares at me, and I couldn't exactly understand what he was thinking, or feeling. "Fine." He replies sighing. "Just choose."

I grab an apple and he raises his brows. I had to show him something, so I took a bite and rolled my eyes at him, turning around.

I get out of the door and make my way to Nate house, spitting the chewed apple on my hand and throwing it to the trash, along with the rest of the apple.