Hunger

t h i r t y - f i v e

"You've been different this past two sessions." Doctor Baize says frowning. "There's something that you aren't telling me."

I shrug, pretending not to know what he was talking about. What I'm hiding is for the best. Besides I'm close to winning, aren't I?

"I'm eating." I say with a small smile. "I wake up, I eat breakfast and I go to school. I eat lunch and I eat dinner. I don't exercise, or purge and I go to therapy twice a week." I whisper looking at him. "But why do I still feel numb? It's like I'm empty inside, there's no joy in my life and loving is hard."

"When your dad went away, did it hurt?" He asks, and I frown confused, and shocked.

"What does that have to do with any of this?"

"I think is not your mom." He says raising his eyebrows. "You have told me everything, and it always points to your mother, she's awful to you. But why do you care about all the things she says when you hate her so much? I think you're changing yourself and making yourself less because of your father, he's the one you truly care about."

"I don't." I whisper staring at my hands, feeling this strange emotion in me. "I haven't seen him in five months."

"Just because you haven't seen him doesn't mean you don't care anymore."

"He doesn't even write anymore." I reply frowning. "He used to write letters to me the first two months, but he doesn't anymore." I say sad.

"You never mentioned that before."

"Because is not related to my problem." I say shrugging. "You're supposed to "cure me" not talk about my life or problems."

"That's not how it works." He says closing his notebook. "To help you get better, I have to find the source of your pain. What makes you sad, makes you feel unwanted."

"I never said I felt unwanted."

"You said it was hard to love, you feel numb. So how can you feel wanted when you can't feel anything?"

"Because I have Nate." I say crossing my arms. "I think he really loves me, all crazy and stuff."

"You're not crazy." He says rolling his eyes. "You're sick."

"Whatever."

I sigh, hoping he forgets about my father, and doesn't make more questions, but sadly he did.

"What did he say on those letters?" He asks intrigued.

"The usual." I whisper, remembering things I had buried for so long. "That he didn't do it. He got frame or whatever."

"Do you believe him?" He asks seriously.

"I don't know." I say confuse. "I guess so, he's my father after all."

I stare at his face, and it reminds me of him. He had some sort of similarities, not much, but enough to remind me of my father. Like the color of his eyes, and the way he combs his hair.

"Why did he stop writing?"

"He stopped writing after I told him mom was getting married." I sigh. "He wrote a few times after I told him, but I knew he was hurt, so I assumed that's why he stopped caring about us."

"What makes you say that? He's your father, he will never stop caring about you."

"What makes you so sure?" I frown annoyed. "Not everyone is built to be a parent, take my mother for example."

He smiles, and so do I. I wonder every day, why she decided to be a mom, of two.

"I believe him." I reply again. "If he did take the money he would have run, I saw his face when they came for him, he was utterly shocked." I add shrugging. "But I don't know much besides that, mom never let me go to court with her or to visit. She doesn't know about the letters. I found the first before she could and made sure to hide the rest."

"Do you want to see him?"

I stay quiet for a moment, contemplating if I truly wanted to see him. It's been so long I don't even know what I would say. I'm so used to living at Christopher's house and eating dinner with Damien, that I kind of forgot who my father was.

"Can we talk about something else?" I whisper looking through the window.

"Like what?" He asks, opening his notebook once again. "You never want to talk about anything, I basically force you to speak to me." He laughs, and I smile.

"Something that's not related to my problem." I say shrugging. "There's this boy." I say rolling my eyes annoyed.

"Nate?" He asks.

"No." I say not telling him it's Christopher I'm talking about. "He kissed me, multiple times." I sigh. "Nate doesn't know about it." I whisper. "But he's obsessing over me getting better. He was mainly one of the reasons why I came here."

"What's wrong with that?" He asks confused. "At least you're trying, getting better."

"He said some hurtful things." I whisper wanting to cry just by remembering. "And it's making it hard for me to commit to fixing myself."

"Do you love this boy?" He asks intrigued.

"Of course not!" I reply in disgust. "He's my-" I stop, before saying brother, even though he's actually not. "He's just an annoying boy I go to school with."

"What did he say?"

"He said that my eating disorder, " I say through gritted teeth. "Gave me emotions and turned me into a human being. That if I get better I will be the old me, a bitch."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." He shouts surprise. "You're eating disorder just made you vulnerable, you had your guard down." He says. "That's an awful thing to say, you shouldn't listen to people like that."

"How can I get better and have my guard down?" I ask confused. "People are awful! I try to be nice but it's just easier to not care."

"You don't see it now Katherine, but when you truly get better, healthy, your mental state will improve, and you will be happy. It may seem impossible, but you can get there if your try hard enough."

"That's easy for you to say."

"You need to make amends with your past." He says looking at his watch. "Try to figure out what's holding you back." He says smiling. "I want you to tell me why you're so scared of getting better on out next session."

"I already told you."

"That you don't want to be fat? You're scared of gaining weight?" He says raising his eyebrows. "That's not it, you need to stop lying to yourself."

"I'm not!" I shout annoyed.

The alarm goes off and we both look at it.

"Times up." He smiles.

"Whatever." I say standing up.

I leave his office and go outside. What's holding me back? What's that supposed to mean?