Hunger

t h i r t y - o n e

I pace down the hall, stopping in front of his door a couple of time. Saying that I am nervous is an understatement. My hands were sweating, and my heart was pacing a hundred miles per hour.

"Don't be a pussy." I whisper, shaking my body quickly.

I knock and wait patiently a few seconds before he opens the door. I didn't want to do it, but I've been avoiding it for two weeks now, and I promised doctor Baize that this time I would be honest.

"What do you want?" He asks heavy breathing. He was all sweaty, from working out, and it triggered me a lot.

"So," I say pushing him and going inside his room. "You know this therapy thing I'm doing. The one you basically forced me to go." I say sarcastically, taking a sit on his bed.

"What about it." He whispers dropping to the floor and doing sit ups.

I stare at him, moving my right leg impatiently, like I used to before. I don't know what was harder, watching him exercise or coming clean to him. If I told him, about my other problem, purging, he would never look at me the same way. Or let me go to the bathroom alone after eating for that matter. It was so hard saying this out loud, admitting it to someone that knows me.

It's not the same with doctor Baize, I don't have to face him on a daily basis or see his face twenty-four hours a day like with Chris. Telling him took me weeks, even though he said he knew, or suspected it. I'm glad he didn't call mom about it, like coach Harvey did. He says that it's not his place to tell my family, if I wasn't doing it anymore all I needed to do was tell them about it, in case my urges come back, and they can notice, before it gets too bad again.

"Well," I whisper staring at my hands. "I have to tell you something." I murmur anxious. "I'm actually supposed to tell mom, but she wouldn't care if she knew."

"What?" He asks stopping and staring at me. "Did something happen? What's wrong?"

I stare at him, feeling the anxiety running through my veins, I couldn't say it out loud. "I-

I stay silent for a while, how am I supposed to say it? Once it's out there, I can't unsay it.

"You're scaring me." He says sitting next to me.

"Promise you won't make a big deal out of it." I say standing up. It was easier if I couldn't see him when I said it.

"Okay."

"There's something you don't know about my problem."

"Your problem?" He frowns. "Is it that hard for you to say eating disorder?"

"That's not the point here!" I shout glaring at him. "I'm serious."

"So am I!" He says rolling his eyes.

"Anyways," I whisper, still avoiding saying it out loud. "I used to purge sometimes." I whisper so low I doubt he even heard me.

"What?" He asks staring at me.

"I used to purge sometimes." I murmur even lower.

"I can't hear you Katherine." He sighs exasperated.

"I used to purge sometimes!" I exclaim, regretting it immediately.

"What?"

"Oh, come one, I literally shouted that to you, is not my fault you're deaf."

"I heard what you said." He says surprise.

"Purge as in throwing up?" He whispers concern.

I stay silent, this is what I was worried about. He was staring at me like I was a freak. I knew this would happen, why did I tell him?

I nod and turn around, not wanting to see his face anymore. It was painful, knowing he probably thought I was disgusting. What person on their right mind would do something like that?

"Say something." I whisper, wanting to cry.

"I don't know what to say." He replies. "I didn't know you were that sick." He whispers, still surprised.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" He asks standing up.

"I don't know." I say, my urges of crying increasing. "I mean, you were angry at me all the time, making me eat and judging me. How was I supposed to give you another reason why to scream at me?" I whisper holding in the tears. "Not to mention that you would have probably stalked me in the bathroom if you knew."

"That's what you think of me?" He asks frowning. "That I was angry at you, and judging you?" He asks hurt. "I was concerned! I care about your wellbeing, everything I did was to help you get better."

"Whatever." I whisper turning around, secretly drying my tears.

He hugs me, and I cry even harder. How I hate when people hug me when I'm mad or crying. "How am I supposed to tell mom?" I ask taking a step away from him. "She doesn't care." I whisper. "She will judge me for sure for doing that. Probably say something like why would you do something like that?"

"We can tell her together if you want." He says grabbing my hand.

I stare at it and move it away after a few seconds. Not wanting to give him another reason to "love me".

"I don't know." I say cleaning my face and taking a seat on his bed. "I'm not ready to tell her." I say sighing. "But I promised doctor Baize I would before our next appointment, which is in two days."

"Tell her tomorrow, before she leaves on that trip with my father." He says shrugging.

"They are leaving again?" I ask confused.

"Yeah," He replies. "Canada this time, the day after tomorrow."

"Please tell me you aren't throwing another party." I whisper staring at him.

"I'm not." He laughs.

I smile but go back to my anxious state remembering my mother, and Nate.

"Don't tell Nate." I say standing up.

"I won't." He replies going behind me.

I don't know if I'm ever telling him. He doesn't need to know, he's not family, and I'm better now, I think. I will tell him later, if we last another month, maybe then I should tell him.

"Katherine?" Chris says, and I turn around, already out of his room.

"Huh?" I say snapping out of my thoughts.

"I'm glad you told me." He says shrugging. "I promise I won't stalk you at the bathroom or anything."

I laugh and nod, leaving to my room. Preparing myself for tomorrow, and my mother.