Hunger

t h i r t y - s i x

I'm scared of food. I write down on the piece of paper on top of my desk. I'm scared of pizza, and burgers! I continue jokingly. I'm scared of carbs and sugars.

I'm scared of myself.

"This is stupid." I whisper turning the paper into a ball and throwing it on the bin next to my desk.

"What's stupid?" Someone asks startling me.

I turn around and see Nate standing at the edge of my door. I haven't seen him in a week. I'm good at avoiding people and my problems, so hiding from him in school has been easy, and not answering his texts messages or calls. The hardest part was not going to his house or sleeping on his bed. Being in this house all the time can be infuriating.

"Nothing." I reply turning to face my desk again, a new paper on top of it.

"Hmm." He slightly murmurs and takes a sit on my bed.

"What do you want?" I ask staring at my paper.

"To see your face."

"Shut up." I sigh with a small smile.

"I miss you." He whispers sad.

I stay silent and continue to think of ways to make amends with my past.

"You can't avoid me forever." He adds.

"I'm occupied." I say trying to concentrate.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me." He says exasperated. "Or kiss me, I don't mind if you decided to do both of them."

I smile and roll my eyes, not looking at him.

"I guess I will make myself comfortable."

I look at him from the corner of my eyes and he's getting under my bed cover and sheets.

"Hey!" I say annoyed. "I made that just a few minutes ago."

"Your bad." He replies taking his shirt off.

"What are you doing!" I ask with wide eyes.

"I'm more comfortable shirtless. I sleep better that way." He replies with a smirk. "You would know."

I roll my eyes and turn around. I couldn't face him, pretty soon I was going to give in to his tactics and charms. I need to get better on my own, even if that meant having to leave him behind, for a while.

I frown getting back to my paper. Make amends. I kept repeating on my head. What am I scared of? Besides the obvious, food.

I'm scared of myself. I write again.

I'm scared of failing.

I'm scared of happiness.

I'm scared of being me.

I stare at the paper, feeling a huge pressure on my chest. It was hard to breathe.

I'm scared of disappointing others, specially myself. I'm always scared of going back to who I used to be. I fear what others think of me, specially the people close to me. I'm scared I might never see my dad again. I'm scared, of him not loving me anymore, like mom does. I fear he has forgotten me.

A tear goes down my cheek, and I quickly clean it before it gets on my paper.

"Oh my god." I whisper. "He was right." I cry.

"Who?" Nate asks.

"Shh!"

I'm scared of letting people down, specially my sister, because she looks up to me and I'm a terrible role model. I'm scared of life. I don't want to be alive. Living means overcoming my fears, and I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to live, life comes with sadness and pain, and I don't want it. I'm scared of turning into my mother, and meeting someone like my dad.