Hunger

t h i r t y - f o u r

I lay in Nate's bed, drowning in sorrow. I wanted to scream or cry, but all I could do was stare at the wall feeling numb. He kept asking what was wrong, but I kept denying that something was wrong. I wanted to be alone, but I was scared of myself. Scared of what I might do if I'm all alone in my room for too long.

He enters the room again, a bag of chips and cookies in one hand and two bottles of water in the other. The last thing I needed right now was food, or company. But how can I be alone when I know myself well enough, I will do something I might regret later on.

"I brought some snacks." He whispers turning the tv on and lying next to me.

I nod and grab my water bottle, staring at it in despair.

"Seriously," He says sighing. "What's wrong?" He asks once again, concern in his voice.

"Nothing." I whisper staring at the tv.

"You were never a good liar." He whispers exasperated.

"Really, it's nothing." I add moving closer to him. "Chris and I just got in a fight. That's all."

"Again?" He asks frowning. "I thought you two were past that." He says confuse.

"I thought so too." I whisper.

"What about?" He asks, and I sigh not wanting to talk about it.

"Stuff."

He glares at me and I roll my eyes, not wanting to talk about it. How can I tell him that I want to go back? Back to my sick and twisted habits. Back to my lowest weight, even less if I can reach. I want to be sick, I don't want to be okay. Recovery is useless! My thoughts are never going to go away. I can eat all I want and change myself physically, but how can I change my mind? That will always be inside me, hunting me, and I can't do anything about it.

"He said some stuff, about my problem."

"What did he say?" He asks getting tense.

"Nothing." I say, regretting mentioning it, not wanting to create more problems. "Will you still love even if I'm fat again?" I ask, feeling my heart breaking.

"What?" He asks surprise, turning to look at me.

"I don't want to be who I used to be." I say, feeling the lump in my throat. "I don't want to gain weight, I want to be perfect. You will not love me if I'm not perfect." I murmur standing up.

"What are you talking about?" He says concern. "You were never fat, you're perfect just the way you are!" He shouts coming closer to me.

"No!" I shout back, taking a few steps back. "I'm not and this stupid therapy is not working, my meal plans are not working. I want to exercise, to train! I miss gymnastics, and how it used to feel."

He stares at me, pity written all over his face, and for a moment I thought he would cry. He wanted to cry. Did he actually care about me?

"Katherine-

I walk past him, not wanting to continue this conversation anymore. I wanted to run from it, like I do when any problem comes my way. But where can I go when my so-called home is not a place where I can be at peace.

"Katherine!" He says going after me, but I ran as fast as I could inside the house.

I go up the stairs not looking back, but I heard the door opening again and I knew Nate was behind me.

I close my bedroom door and lock it, staring at it like it may fall any second now. Like it wasn't enough to hide me from reality. The knocking came quickly after and I took a sit on the floor, not taking my eyes off it.

"Katherine." He says, desperation on his voice. "You can't just say stuff like that and run away from me."

"I didn't mean any of it." I reply, a tear slowly slipping down my face. "Can we talk tomorrow?"

I hear another set of footsteps outside the door and frown. "Oh no." I whisper.

"What's going on?" Christopher asks.

"What did you say to her!" Nate shouts angry.

"What?" Christopher asks confused. "What happen?" He asks worried too, and I regret all of this immediately. "Katherine?" He asks abruptly hitting my door.

"You happened!" Nate says, and I quickly stand up, scared that he would do something.

I open the door and Nate was gripping Christopher's shirt, his hand in a fist.

"She was doing fine! Getting better and you had to open your stupid mouth!"

Christopher turns to look at me, and Nate joins him soon after. Both of them stare at me and I don't know what to do or say. Why did I open my mouth on the first place?

"I said I was sorry." Christopher says hurt. "I didn't mean any of it."

Nate scoffs and we both turn to look at him. I was surprised to see him so angry and protective. It made me feel somehow better, he doesn't hate me now that I'm turning back to who I used to be.

"I don't know what you did, but it was enough to make her doubt getting better." He shouts exasperated. "Enough to make her doubt herself and how perfect she is! Can't you see that what you say or do can affect her mental state? Don't you see that behind this struggling girl there's more than just a problem."

I smile at his words, especially the part where he used the word problem instead of eating disorder. He gets it.

"I know she's sick!" Christopher replies offended. "In case you haven't noticed I'm the one that had to watched her disappear into nothingness." He whispers. "I was the one that had to pick the broken pieces she's leaving everywhere."

"And I'm not?" Nate frowns crossing his arm. "I am the one that had to hold her every night, I pretend I didn't notice when she cried sometimes or when she threw food away when I wasn't looking or present." He whispers turning to look back at me. "I notice."

"I'm the one that got her help." Christopher adds, like it was a competition. "I'm the reason she's getting better."

"And you're also the reason why she doesn't want to anymore."

"Stop." I whisper crying.

"I'm her family!" Christopher shouts angrier. "I'm her brother and you are no one!"

"Stop." I say a little bit louder but none of them stop fighting.

"But I'm the one she loves! She hates you, all you do is bring her down and I don't want you ruining what's left of her."

"Stop!" I scream both turning to look at me. "Enough! This is not some competition that you can fight about."

"Katherine-

"No!" I say staring at Christopher. "Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? I didn't want to get better, but I did for my sister, she's the only one I got left. Mom doesn't care, and you probably don't either after what you said to me last night. Do you want me to get worse, so I can be a better human being? Is that what you want?"

"No, I was mad when I said that."

"And Nate, I love you so fucking much, but I need to get better, on my own without neither of you. If I want to reach my goal and be happy you two have to stop trying to fix me because the only one that can change who I am is myself, alone."

I go inside my room and close the door, tears streaming down my face, my chest beating a thousand miles per hour, but I knew that that was the right thing to do.