The Chaos Of A Human.Being

Defining Myself

"Easy for you to carry a permanent smile on your face wherever you go?" Who ever's around me asks.
They question my sense of feeling when I say I'm never willing to cage myself to the prison of sadness or numb my heart to death. When I claim to believe that a smile is always enough to make the world a better place.

I'm not to be considered something out of the ordinary or something rare, yet it's the claim in my heart that keeps saying I can't just be the same. I don't want to walk around this earth like any other passing breathing self.
I want to take pieces of this world and carve it in my veins. I want to leave a mark on the souls of the many people that won't remember my face. I want to feel the extremes of everything as I wander through the coming day.
I don't want to be a beautiful face, I only long for the beauty of my inside to make my universe a worthy place.

I never bother to look at covers and outside textures; because they only exit to fool or to express. And I'm in no position to stand and judge when I haven't torn down the walls built around those covers.
And it's upsetting really to see people stare at the outside, long forgetting what's beneath, long forgetting that beauty never surfaces it drowns in as many layers as it can seek.

I'm nothing but a person of detail, I love the things people never pay mind to, I only enjoy the unconscious actions of what's surrounding me, I live to cherish the beautiful carvings on the bodies of everything that's weakly appreciated. And for the life of me I can never comprehend how people simply don't pay attention to the magnificent power in all that.

And that's how I complicated my choices. There's no pathway I've crossed where I  found a willing someone to understand how I functioned or took a risk and glimpsed over my worn out walls and into the chaotic place I call brain.
In the latter of all I started to accept being classified as a complicated lunatic when I voiced out how I want someone to raise a storm in my head only to silence it with the whisper of their voice.