Jerusalem

Chapter 30 (Time)

      I was watching the news channel ( the only channel I watch since the war started ) it stated the numbers of the injured and the killed. It stated how much did we advance in the fight and how much did we lose. So far we had been advancing in a good rate and our air forces had hit a lot of their sensitive targets leaving them paralyzed. But you can never know how a war is going to end from the start of it.

These days, I've been feeling like you are no longer here, on this place where I exist. And this feeling, it's horrible. It tears my heart to pieces. And this is all a side effect of dying. I don't think I can live with this pain. And I know, I know it's possible to live with pain. I had lived with pain ever since dad died. But the pain of your loss, Youssef, it's a pain that I won't be able to handle. Because losing you is losing hope of life, of future, of happiness. And a life without hope is no life at all. Some say that you can live on the memories and yes our love story is epic and it will live forever , if not in the world, in my heart. But the thing is Youssef , I don't want to live on our memories. I simply refuse to live in a world where you don't exist. I refuse to breathe the air that you don't inhale. I refuse this life.

Ever wonder how long it takes to change your life? What measure of time is enough to be life-altering? Is it four years like college? One year? An eight-week walking tour? Can your life change in a month? Or a week? Or a single day?

From where I stand one hour can change everything . And this hour is what we call our turning point. The moment that turns our lives upside down. And nothing is the same anymore. And I admit it, loving you was my turning point.

Dear Youssef,

violent delights have violent ends. Do you believe in that? I pray that it's not true even though there is a part of me that believes in it. I pray it's not true. Coz you are a violent delight, you are my violent delight.

I remember asking you once : imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with someone. Who is standing next to you?

And you said : it's you, it's you Mariam Tarek. You are the one standing next to me when all my dreams come true.

And my heart skipped a beat because there is no one else that you'd rather be with than me.

Love is joy , don't try to convince yourself that suffering is part of it-Paulo Coelho said before.

You know, every moment I spent with you , I believed him. But when you weren't around, suffering was there.

I think that Paulo only saw one side of love and he never crossed to the other side. The side that is suffocating me right now.

It's a long way down

Yours,

Mariam

Time passes, even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but it does pass. Even for me.

A month passed already with me aching every minute through the way. I lay on your bed in your army base room, wearing your T-shirt and wrapping myself under your covers.

I'm trying but i can't catch your scent anymore. I guess yesterday was the last time I smell you.

And after all, I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone. I can only say what is it for me. Love is knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them more than any other person. Love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of. Love is feeling safe with someone but still getting fast heartbeats when they walk into a room and smile at you.

My heart hasn't beat in a long time now, it's like my heart was gone with you, like I was hollow.

You once told me that you are hell and that I must be heaven. And Youssef, maybe you are hell. But I don't care . I'll take it anyway.

And I decided as long as I am going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.