Jerusalem

Chapter 36 (Past tense)

       No words needed. I got in our house alone, just like I got out from it 2 hours ago. Only now I felt like carrying a tank in my chest, making me unable to breath. Oh, Ali, I can't believe you are a goner now. I can't believe that our funny, sweet and trustable guy is gone. Isn't it funny when you are dead, how people start listening?!

All we can do is miss you, I guess. But with the missing comes our helplessness to remind us that we can't bring you back, no matter how much we miss you and can't live without you. It was nobody's fault. The fault was in our stars, in our destinies. Only if you can believe that simple truth, Youssef. Only if!

I can't remember how long I stayed on the floor, crying. How life is just unfair? I couldn't tell, I got on my feet and walked out of the door. My car was sent from the airport by Youssef. I drove aimlessly for hours, accidentally passing by the army base, well maybe not accidentally, maybe it was a little deliberately. But not once did I have the courage to walk inside. I knew you damn well, Youssef, to know that you'll push me away.

I don't know how or why but I found myself at her door step. At Salma's door step. Youssef mentioned her to me once. He didn't say much about his friend's love life. Guys!

I rang the bell , I guess it was her mom by her looks, that opened the door. I only told her I was a friend and she let me in. She pointed at the garden and left. I found her there sitting on a wooden chair, wearing a black dress, a black veil. I looked at myself, not remembering what I was wearing. I found myself in a jeans and a white T-shirt that reached my thighs and a creamy veil. When was your black cloths when you needed them?!

I felt embarrassed not just with my cloth but with not being a widow.

I took two steps closer and that's when she sensed my presence. It was like if she was out of time and place. She looked at me puzzled .

"It's Mariam Tarek."I said avoiding eye contact.

"Mariam...Mariam Mohammed as in Youssef Mohammed."she asked looking numb inside.

"Yes, that's me. I'm sorry we didn't meet before"as I pronounced those words , she was standing right in front of me. And hugged me strongly. My tears fell instantly in her arms. God, I hate this feeling. Sometimes I feel like it's the only feeling I ever felt, because grieve outdoes all other feelings. And how you can never fix it for anyone as you can't even fix it for yourself, only makes it worse. She was crying her heart out and I cried for her every tear. Silently with no words. Death is the enemy of words. Because words burry and grieve only lives in silence.

"Thank you" she, Salma, said finally breaking the silence.

"No, no thank you." I said actually not knowing what to say. I wanted to scream I am here for you, I want us to be friends. If you ever need me, you'll find me. I just didn't know how but I guess she read my thoughts because she suddenly said:

"Can you come with me somewhere?"

"Sure, anywhere" I said and we both stood up and walked to my car. She told me where to go and I followed her directions till we reached somewhere in the middle of nowhere. We got out and walked to some kind of a castle. It looked so beautiful, princess style.

"He built it for me"Salma said in a heartbreaking tone and I felt dying all over again. I died for the first time when dad died. I didn't think that we actually die so many times before we're dead. A tear escaped my eyes watching her dreams burn to the ground.

"It's beautiful" I said more to myself.

"It was beautiful" apparently she heard. And I hated myself more than ever.

"Salma, I don't know you but I feel you. And I know how cliche that sounds. But I swear it's the truth."

"I love him. I love him so much. I just... I love him. And I can't live without him. I just can't . And they told me he died. But how can this happen to me? How? I just...I can't get my head around it. Isn't my love enough to bring him back? I mean, isn't love supposed to be stronger than death? " she said whispering , I barely heard her.

"Why? Why? Damn it ..why? Why did he die? And why did the others get to live? Why didn't he get to live too? He was a good guy, a great guy. On what world world does he die out of all those people? He..we were going to start our lives. He was too young to die"Salma continued, screaming now. And I wished I could answer her endless questions , the questions that I asked myself once and as she , never found an answer. Because those questions weren't meant to be answered, only to be asked. And hearing her past tense in the last sentence broke me from inside out.

"I want to die. I want to die now"she screamed out , looking up to the sky. The sky that started crying for her.

"You...you won't stay like this. You'll be happy again. And I know that you don't believe this and that you can't see how. But its true. You'll never forget but I am talking from experience . And I'm telling you that it's possible to live with pain. And it's possible to be happy ." I said with every word I felt that I don't believe those words coming out of my mouth anymore.

"You know, you're very easy to talk to. You have this "come confide in me" halo , around you."Salma said, her eyes dried , the rain washing her tears. We looked at each other sharing a feeling of guilt for a smile that escaped through our lips.

I thought about how ashamed you feel in the moments of happiness, of laughter and even of light, tiny smiles as if it is a crime to be happy when you lose someone. But the thing is : life doesn't stop for someone's death and if it wasn't for these tiny smiles, we would all be long gone by now.

I drove Salma back home, we talked randomly about nothing in particular. Just talking, killing time, escaping the pain for fleeting minutes. When I dropped her, I replayed what just happened in my mind. I thought about what she said about my halo of "come confide in me". I don't know If I really have that or if everyone can see it. I only knew that the guy staying in his room in the army base, the guy that I desperately wanted to be there for him now more than ever, the guy that I'm insanely in love with, that guy will never confide in me.

I stopped by the side of the road as I couldn't take my breath, my soul was suffocating. I cried hysterically trying to catch my breath, hitting the wheel.

Somehow I felt that I am the one that need you to be here for me.