Jerusalem

Chapter 33 (Gone without feeling)

      I stepped out of my shower and looked at myself in the mirror. Out of the blue i felt this severe pain in my chest. And for a second, between my ten tiny breaths, I looked at the mirror and I saw your reflection, Youssef. I thought about what you told me the night before war, how you said that when you look at yourself in the mirror, you see someone that looks like you but is no longer you.

And now I feel the same somehow, I feel that we've come along way from the start. We've been through so much together. And if that , all of that didn't change us . Then, what will?

But I wouldn't go as far as changed . Maybe Just reached our core. Became our true selves. Like going on a journey to discover the depth of your soul.

I stood still trying to find out a reason why I couldn't breath, like the air was stuck in my throat.

Breathe, Mariam, breathe.

I ran to the living room, my towel wrapped around me, I opened the television and tried to grasp any information from that useless news channel. But there was nothing really, just the normal. More injured, more deaths.

I kept walking around, couldn't stay still in one place. I felt like losing my mind, thinking about him. I don't know why but I had a terrible feeling. I sensed danger, grave danger.

Youssef....oh God....Youssef

"Ali....Ali....aliiiiiiii" I said trying to move him , I kept shaking him, I tried to look at his face. His eyes were closed, I looked at my hand and saw blood spilled on it and everywhere on the soil, I tried to find the source of all that blood. It came from his chest. Wait...what?...what just happened?..no...no...no...this just can't happen...Ali....no...this is not happening...

I turned him on his back, leaned against his chest trying to catch the sound of his heart beats...nothing... Am I hearing nothing?

I looked up, hearing gun shots . The guy that shoot the fist bullet was now getting closer and ready for his second bullet. My eyes wandered trying to find any weapon . It caught a gun in Ali's belt, quickly I reached for it, turned and shoot the bullet through his head. The gun fell from my hand as I felt this unbearable rage, anger boiling through my veins. I wanted to shoot everybody and then actually shoot myself. My mind was no longer able to deal with what happening around me. What was happening ? I leaned against Ali, and I tried CPR . I kept contracting my hand upon his heart but nothing seemed to happen... Then I just kept punching his heart with my fist....

Live...Ali...live....damn it ...just please God.....God....let him live....I'm begging you.....I'm begging you to spare his soul.....please....

Suddenly the earth started to move beneath us and I knew a bomb just exploded. I looked around and saw Moustafa, one of the best shooters blown up by that bomb, khaled, the guy that I attended his engagement just before war, he was was holding his right eye that was shoot, Mohammed, our programmer who insisted on going to the war with us, all his limbs were cut and his body was lying away from them, Ayman, the youngest soldier in the army, he was barely 21, his mother came once to the army and begged him to go home with her but he just smiled and kissed her forehead saying that if he went home now, he is as good as dead, and now he lied on the soil, 20 bullets at least buried in his body.

I looked down at my friend, at Ali, my brother, I remembered that day in college. Ali was so angry from something that I didn't know, I asked him what's wrong but he didn't answer . He just reached for something in his pocket and got it out, it was a pocket knife, we bought two of the same kind together, he just nodded his head to me and I knew he wanted me to get my knife out as well so I did. And then out of no where he cut the palm of his hand wide open and his blood spilled on the the ground . Automatically I came to him and tried to stop the flow of his blood, asking what the hell? And before I could stop him, he snatched my knife from my hand and cut my palm as well , I just gasped at that, not comprehending any of that . That's when he shook my bleeding hand with his and said simply stating a fact "see, now we are brothers in blood too" I looked at my hand and saw the scare of that cut.

I didn't stop punching his chest for one second, my hands were numb by the time I saw Omar running towards me.

"Omar, Ali he...Omar....he was shot.....he took a bullet for me.....he jumped right in front of me and took the damn bullet.....he...is he dead? Omar, is he dead? "

"Damn it.....Omar...just say it ....is he dead?" I shouted at Omar as he was leaning against Ali, examining him. I saw the tears building up in his eyes and when it fell, I knew.

I knew that no matter how much pain I've felt in my entire life. It was nothing compared to this whole pierced in my chest and getting bigger by the second. I knew that I will never be whole again. I knew that life will not be the same ever again, I knew that life as I knew it was completely gone.

I looked at Ali's body lying on the soil of Jerusalem.

"I killed him, I killed him ...." My lips finally parted and a tear got away.

"Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"