Jerusalem

Chapter 44 (To the moon and back)

I woke up at dawn, or I just got up from bed as I didn't sleep as usual. I took a shower, prayed El Fajr then went to the grave, like everyday. I sat on the ground facing the grave, my hands resting on my knees. Everyday I come to his grave, talk to him without a sound, cry without tears and die without a grave.

I can't help but think that if you were here, you would glare at me and ask me what the hell am I doing. But you're not here, Ali. And no matter what I do, I can't let it go. I try, believe me, I try but nothing works. You're there and I'm here. The pain....the guilt. It's unbearable. And I keep asking why the hell did you have to be the hero and take the damn bullet for me? Why?

On what earth do you die and I live?

You're the one that is supposed to live, to marry Salma, to have kids and build a family. You deserve to have this life, not Death. This is so unfair, imagining you lying in this grave while I sit here is killing me and I honestly rather be dead than feel this way.

I wanted to win this war so much that I didn't realize what I was losing. And now I lost everything, I lost you, I lost her. She is gone. I had to push her away otherwise I was going to break her and she would have end up dead like everyone and everything around me. I knew she would never leave, so I had to push her beyond the limits. It was the best thing I can do for her. She doesn't need this in her life, she had enough misery and pain. I can't put her through this again. And I won't.

"Hey, soldier" she, Jana, said coming towards the grave.

"Hey, I was going to call you. I'm sorry about what Mariam did. Are you okay now?"I asked without looking at her.

"It's fine, I really pushed her buttons, gone too far. But I had no idea, your girl can hit so hard. She is something."

"She is something but she is no longer my girl."

"Of course she is. She loves you from here till the moon and back. She stood up for you, not believing any of my words. This kind of love can never end. "Jana said, sitting next to me, laying her head on her knees.

"Thank you for doing this, you didn't have to."

"No, I'm the one that's thankful. I can never repay you for what you did to me. You are the best guy I've ever met. You saved me . You saved my life. And you didn't even know who I am."

"Anyone would've done that. At least any human."

"Maybe any human would have taken me to the hospital but he wouldn't have married me."as she said those words, my mind went inevitably back to the night I first met her, I was walking out of the mosque after praying El Ashaa. I headed to Ali's grave, but suddenly I heard a voice crying for help. I tried to find the source of the sound, it didn't take long. I found her on the ground, covered in her blood, naked.

"No one marries a girl, that had been rapped."she continued.

"Jana, please stop it. Stop talking like it's your fault because it's not. You're perfect, so don't ever feel like you're not. I'm honored to marry a girl like you."

"God, If you just can love me as half as I love you."

"Jana"

"Oh, come on, you are the smartest. You must know by now that I'm unconditionally in love with you."

"I know...."

"You don't have to say anything, Youssef. I know you love her, I know it's her, it'll always be her. "

"Jana, you're great. It's just..."

"It's just that I'm not her. I know. I can't help it but I envy her. I envy her for your timeless endless love. And I wish if I knew how that love taste"