Jerusalem

Chapter 42 (Turn it back)

I feel like I'm 100 kilograms of pain, anger, disappointment and sadness. I feel like I'm 100 years old, lived in misery and crises. To be honest I feel like a drama queen. And I hate it, I've always hated it. I only want to turn back time, I want to go back to the old me, the old light person I was. No more drama and complications. I want everything to go back to being simple.

I'm just too exhausted of everything around me.

Today I woke up feeling a terrible headache in the middle of my brain, sneezing and coughing. Of course I had cold, what else did I expect after being thrown in the pool?

I felt so weak and sick to even leave the bed. My knees refused to carry me up. I reached to my phone, looked at its screen while it's closed and saw my reflection, my eyes were painted red and swollen with dark bags under, what else did I expect after crying myself to sleep last night?

"Mariam"Salma called me while dressing up in the bathroom. We had a 2 hour discussion/fight that she doesn't need to stay with me and that I'm perfectly fine and able to take care of myself. Eventually I convinced her to go, work on her project promising that I would call if needed anything.

"Yup"I called back

"This is not the end of the world. I'm telling you, you just have a little cold and some relationship problems. Don't make a big deal out of it." She said, loud enough for me to hear her.

"You're right."I assured her, feeling tired of all these emotions.

The day went uneventful, I stayed in bed, swallowing medicines, eating non-stop and watching tele. Salma came in the afternoon, carrying some grocery and two films for us to watch. So she made popcorn and we watched the movies together. Salma made sure the movies were hundred percent comedy and didn't have any kind of tragedies. Therefore we laughed a lot. And I realized that we don't laugh because we're happy, we're happy because we laugh.

The next day I woke up feeling a little better physically at least. I pushed myself out of the bed, prayed, dressed and man-up opened the door and went out to face the world.

I spent my day in the college, working with my students. Then I decided to walk to the hotel instead of taking a cab. I took a way that passed inside some corridors made of rocks , it looked so vintage and historic , I loved it. I met a crossroad and there it was his house. I didn't know that path would lead to his house. Just looking at his house made my heart beat frantically. I wanted to run away, I didn't want to see him, truthfully I didn't want him to hurt me again, I wanted to ease my heart rebellion against him. So I turned around and started walking, just not fast enough.

"Hey-you!"a voice called from behind me. I turned my head back. A girl stood with her red hair falling to her shoulders. I was about to gasp but decided against it. I fully turned around to face her.

"Yes"I said looking at her

"You are Mariam. I think it's about time for you to meet me. I'm Jana "she , Jana, said smugly

"And?"I asked confused.

"I thought you have the right to know that Youssef and I are together now."

"What? What the hell are you saying?"the air burned up in my lungs and I fought an urge to hit her.

"I'm telling you what's been happening for more than a month now." She said

"I pity you, this is just pathetic. You are insane If you think I'm going to believe your pitiful lies. I trust Youssef more than I trust myself. "I shouted feeling every muscle in my heart break. That pitch, I want to kill her.

"Oh, really. How sweet! I'll tell him that next time I lay in his bed."she said and I didn't know how but I found myself slapping her across the face, so she grabbed my veil which make me punch her and then I grabbed her hair pulling it. So that pitch slapped me scratching my face and that was it, I pushed her on the ground and got on top of her, hitting her. I seriously have no idea how I ended up doing this. I never got into a girl fight before.

Out of the blue, I felt hands wrapping around my waist and pulling me away from her.

"Let me go, let me gooo" I screamed at him, Youssef. He didn't let go, he dragged me back to the house, holding my waist. I tried to get loose, to go and hit that pitch to death. But he wouldn't let me, he pushed me inside his house and closed the door behind us.

Standing in front of him, I breathed heavily and rapidly. I ran trying to pass through him to the door but ended up in his arms, he held my arms tightly and forced me to look at him.

"Breathe Mariam , breathe"he whispered warmly and for a second I felt that he's back. My breathing went slowly back to regular as we stared at each other.

"I....I'm sorry. I don't what happened. I don't know how did I do that. She...she...I....she said you and her.....she is lying, right? Of course she is lying, Youssef? "I rabbled out of breath again.

"Just calm down"he said, his eyes still fixed on me.

"No, I'm not going to calm down. Not before you answer me, Youssef. "I shouted, the air was trapped in my lungs. Tears escaped my eyes and fell on his arms.

"Just say it. Tell me. One word from you and I'll believe it.

I'll believe you even if it's a lie"I said when he didn't say a thing, I felt my tears hot on my cheeks that were probably red .

"I can't tell you"he said, his eyes still not leaving me.

"Why?"I asked

"I just can't."

"You can't. You just can't. You know what, me neither. I can't. I can't do this anymore. There is so much I can take but this, this is beyond me. I'm leaving and I want you to know that now you lost me. You lost me forever." Everything numb inside. I ran out of the door, not aware of where I am, when is it, how did I get here or where was I going. I just kept running, tears rolling down my face, I tried to sweep them but they kept falling down.

I just want to turn back time. I want to turn it back to the days when you were mine.

P.S: the theme of the chapter is Turn it back by Nik Ammar.