Jerusalem

Chapter 37 (Say something)

You burned me up with this distance, with these fences, with this separation. This separation is killing me. Why can't you see, I can't breath without you? I know you are going through hell, but why don't you let me in? Just please let me in. Let me be there, let me be silent with you, let me be angry with you and just let me cry for you.

My head was going to explode, you don't pick up when I call, you don't show up in any place we used to love but I thought you would at least open the door for me. When you moved to your family country house, I thought you needed some air and some silence and most of all time. So If it was what you needed from me is to give you time. I did, I kept my distance, saying I love you when you are not listening. But one month passed and still...silence.

Silent as the grave.

I couldn't help it, I drove there, stood by your door and kept knocking. My heart was threatening to stop beating when you didn't open. God, I felt so helpless. I knew it was crazy but what else could I have done?!

"Youssef, Youssef, please open the door. Youssef, it's me, it's Mariam." I cried out, knocking. Still no sign of movement.

"Please....Youssef....please...let me in. I .... I just ....want to....let me in. It's me.. Youssef..it's me and I love you. Op.."I froze when the door opened, my tears streaming down my face, I felt I haven't seen you since forever. You were standing there wearing black jeans, black T-shirt and your beard was slightly growing. You didn't look at me , your eyes were gazing at something behind me. And I desperately wanted you to look me in the eye but you turned around and walked away. I took a step inside. It was one of those houses where you spend the summer with your family or friends... I took more steps inside, my eyes searching till I found him, he was sitting on the grass of the garden , his back leaning on a huge old tree that stood there for years, I guess. Beside him was a swing set hanging from the tree. I walked up to him, slid down beside him. Still he didn't look at me, his eyes were fixed in front of him. Although there were inches between us, it felt like an ice berg standing between us. And I had to break the ice, somehow.

"I see you...I ...feel you..." I turned my head towards him.

"I know you think no one understands, no one can understand but .... But I do." He still didn't move or look at me. So I took his hand and put it right on my heart , my hand on his.

"Does that feel wrong to you, Youssef? Just listen to my heart, does it feel wrong to you? "

"If you only look deeply in my eyes, you'll see the scars hidden in your heart." I continued , the tears threatening to fall.

"Let me carry the pain with you ...share it with you..we can go through this...together" I said, his hand rested on my heart. And finally his eyes met mine, for a fleeting moment.

"I'm leaving" were the first words that got out of him.

"You're...what?" Perhaps I didn't hear it right, perhaps he meant something else. Perhaps...

"I'm going to Jerusalem. Tomorrow."

My heart stopped that time.

P.S : The theme of the chapter *Say something I'm giving up on you* by Great big world.