The two of us - Nichorello

6. You named me

<Nicky's POV> 

"You know exactly, why I am this angry. You." Lorna pointed at me in a threatening manner , "You ruined me!"

I should have been filled with regret and remorse by her words, or at least I should have felt a little bit of sadness. But instead I saw all the flaws in her, the way she never trusted me, the controlling and yet careless way she handled our love and especially my affection towards her. If someone ruined something it would be her ruining me. 

"How the fuck did I ruin you? We haven't talked in over 5 years. You have a boyfriend for Christs sake!" 

"First of all, he is my fiancée-" she continued to talk but I didn't listen. She was engaged? I figured that she had moved on with her life by the rumours I had heard from Red about a boy visiting Lorna. But I never would have thought that she had committed to something that long-term. What was I thinking? Of course, Lorna would do that. She has an irrational fear of being alone! 

"Well, fuckin- congratulations I guess. Sucks that your plans were interrupted by prison," I scoffed with a smirk plastered on my face, knowing that it would drive Lorna insane. 

"How dare you-" she came towards me her eyes widened by all the aggression. For a moment I remembered the times we would fight because of my behaviour or my job or my addiction and all of the love would be lost for a few minutes. And even though Lorna forgave me most of the time, I always felt like I had caused damage to our relationship because of my ego. And every time I would lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking to myself how dumb I was to let this feeling between us go. And now? Look at us! Fighting, screaming and yelling. Both of us trapped inside prison, without any love, without affection, without anything. And although I knew that deep down I really loved Lorna, in moments like these the anger would overrule all of it. 

I turned around and exited the room, knowing that by spending time with Lorna, our relationship would only worsen. 

"So you're just leaving now?" she yelled. I came to a halt, unsure of what to do. 

"I guess you always leave," she mumbled frustrated. 

"God, Lorna," I begin to rub my temples in frustration, trying to not yell. I was so tired of fighting, tired of trying to figure out why she was so mad at me. "What am I supposed to do, Lorna? Tell me, what should I do?" 

"It's too late now. You named me." 

"What?" 

"You didn't have to take me down with you."

"Is that what all this is about? You think I turned you in?" I almost screamed. The plan of keeping my composure was failing miserably as I was widely gesturing and yelling. 

"You haven't seen me in five years. You had no idea what was going on with me. I am a different person. I was building a life-" 

"Oh, well,  hurray for you. It wasn't me, Lorna."

"Bullshit! You never ever forgave me for leaving."

<flashback> 

"Lorna is that you?" Although my vision was blurry and my headache was so bad that I couldn't keep my eyes open, I guessed that the tiny figure standing in front of me was my girlfriend. My everything. She was without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me. 

I smiled at her presence, yet I was worried by the tension I felt. What's wrong? I wanted to ask. What bothering you honey? But my throat was so scratchy that I couldn't speak or even move. 

"I'm leaving," it took a few seconds for me to process those words before I began yelling. "Lorna, wait!" I yelled as loud as I could, ignoring the pain shooting through my body. 

"Lorna!" I yelled once more hoping for an answer. "Lorna, please!" I said already sobbing uncontrollably as I heard the distant sound of doors falling shut. 

Before I had always known the stages of coming clean as the most painful and wrecking process, but compared to the heartache I felt when the love of my life left, it was all nothing.

<flashback ends> 

I remember every detail of that moment in my life where I was laying in the hospital bed, caught between wires and catheters, uncontrollably sobbing and shivering by all the pain. And for that I guess, I never forgave Lorna. 

"Your fiancé might buy this bullshit, of the innocent Lorna, but I know you. I know you! And there were no complaints when I took you all over the world, but the second shit got real..."

"The second shit got real? You had about twenty relapses. How do you expect me to be in a relationship with a drug addict?!" She yelled. 

"I bet it was easier to be in a relationship with an abusive guy, right?" I referred to Christopher, her former boyfriend. 

"Exactly, statements like these prove that you're totally hung up on our relationship. I know that you named me."

"25 people were indicted. You knew all of them. We traveled together."

"I know it was you."

"No, it wasn't! And fuck you for thinking it was!"

"You put me in danger," she said. 

"You loved it. You were just this boring little girl who wanted to feel special and bad."

"Don't turn this around on me." 

"I didn't name you. And, yeah, maybe I never forgave you for leaving..." tears were about to escape from my eyes as I exclaimed: "because you broke my fucking heart. And maybe I've done a lot of fucked up things in my life, but I've never lied to you, ever."

-----------------------

"Wow that sounds intense," Vause replied to my summary of the conversation with Lorna. I nodded in agreement, to exhausted to speak. 

"So, did you name her?" She asked. 

"What? Of course not." I clarified. Why did everyone think I would name Lorna? I would never hurt her, not even after everything she did to me.

"Wow, that's real love" she chuckled half-heartedly. 

"What's wrong with you today? You're acting really strange." 

For a few seconds she avoided my gaze and stared at the grey floor. Suddenly she said:"I named Piper." 

"Oh my god, what? This is hilarious." I laughed, which was probably a really bad idea. 

"You what?" Lorna came bursting in.

"Of course you were eavesdropping on our conversation," I scoffed. She never used to trust me, even though I was the only one who had reason for suspicion. I knew that my past with women would complicate my relationship with Lorna, but I never cheated on her. Why should I? She was everything I needed. 

"Lorna!" Vause's eyes widened: "Please don't tell her. Please!" She started to beg.