The two of us - Nichorello

16. The truth

<Lorna's POV>

"Ok, let's talk Vinnie. What do you wanna know?"

"Who is she?"

I hated that he already sensed a connection between us. Was our chemistry that obvious?

"Her name is Nicky."

"What? As in the Nicky that got you thrown in here, Nicky?" He asked astonished.

"Well, turns out it wasn't her. It actually was some other guy, but that's another story."

"What I didn't tell you about me and Nicky is that, uh-. We weren't just friends. We actually were in a relationship for a few years, but then broke it off."

"So you were a lesbian?" He almost yelled across the room. Several inmates including Vause, DeMarco and Tasty looked over. I shushed Vinnie since I couldn't allow any rumours to spread in this camp. Alex looked at me, raising her eyebrows as if saying 'Looks like drama'. In a few days, when Nicky got out, the two of us, Alex and I, would be all alone in here.

"No I wasn't a lesbian, I was in a relationship with a girl," I tried to justify my actions.

"What's the difference?" He yelled in a quieter tone, surpressing the urge to scream at me. To some extent I was relieved that we were in prison, where you couldn't yell loudly.

"I'm not someone who is into girls. She- she-" I was trying to find the words to express my feeling towards Nicky. "She was an exception."

"Wait." He said dangerously collected and calm:" So you're telling me that this woman managed to make you go out with her although you're not into girls and now she is locked in here with you?"

"Well, yeah, but I broke up with her like 6 years ago."

"That doesn't change the fact that you were in a relationship with her!"

"Vinnie, look. I can't change the past. What happened, happened. I can't change that, Nicky can't change that and you too, can't change that. Let's just leave that all behind, okay?"

He nodded defeatedly, but I knew that this whole mess would come and bite me someday. Hopefully that day would never come.

-------------------------

"Trouble in paradise?" Alex scoffed as visitation came to an end and all inmates returned to their dorms.

"Nicky wanted to propose to me." I stated more to myself than to Alex. She nodded her head. Of course, Alex had known about this. I feel like she knows more about my relationship with Nicky than I do.

"How come you know about this stuff and I don't?"

"Because I was there with her. I was the one who picked up all of the pieces after you two broke up. You wouldn't believe what a mess you left."

"I didn't think she would be that sad."

"We both know that's a lie. I don't want to confront you like this Lorna, but you knew exactly how much you meant to Nicky. How much she loved you. But you still left, because working on the relationship would have taken more effort than just leaving."

"I loved her too." I tried to justify my actions, but deep down I knew that the drama we went through was mostly my fault.

"I know. But it wasn't enough to stay, was it? People always think of Nicky as this coldhearted woman. In reality, she's the most hopeless romantic I have ever known and I understand why you left her, but I will never forget the fact that you broke her heart and left."

My guilt had turned into pure sadness about my actions. How could I have left the love of my life instead of fighting for it?

<flashback>

"It's not your fault, Lorna. Look at me. You did what you had to do. The both of you would have suffered if you had continued your unhealthy relationship."

She wiped the tears streaming down my face. "She was a drug addict. Let's look at this rationally. The two of you were completely incompatible."

Although I could hear the words coming out of her mouth, none of them made sense to me. I could only hope for the pain in my heart to stop, and the regret to pass.

"I love her so much," I sobbed into Piper's chest, who enclosed her arms around me.

"I know, honey. That's why you had to leave." Her arms squeezed me tighter as I repeated her words over and over in my head. At some point I actually believed that this was a good enough reason to leave Nicky.

<flashback ends>

--------------------

Her wavy hair was sprawled over the table, giving the whole scene an even more depressed impression. Even though sadness was the most dominant emotion in all conversations of us, it never changed the beauty of our talks. The intense chemistry between us. 

"I had no idea," I mumbled guiltily. She raised her head slowly without turning around. I could understand why she was mad at me, she had every reason. 

"Please talk to me," I pleaded, but still, she remained silent. "Nicky, please," I begged. I walked towards her placing myself in front of her. Her eyes were all puffy and red, evidencing that she had been crying. My heart broke a little bit, seeing what I was doing to her. 

"Nicky, please say something. I can't stand the thought of you being mad at me." 

"What do you want me to say, huh?" She encountered a little angrily. I looked down at my freezing fingers that were holding on to the edge of the table. 

"What do you want me to do, Lorna? Do you want another lie like you always tell me? Or do you want the truth, huh?" She asked. 

"The truth," I mumbled, scared that this would be the wrong choice. 

"I love you, Lorna. I love you so much. I have for the past 7 years and not once have I stopped thinking about you." She paused for a minute. " But at the same time, I hate you. I hate you for leaving. I hate you for playing with my feelings even in here. I hate that whilst my life was falling apart, you were already in a relationship with somebody else and had moved on. But most of all, I hate myself for believing that we would end up together, for holding on to our relationship." 

"What does that mean?" I asked, tears in my eyes. 

"I'm going to be leaving tomorrow, Lorna." She inhaled deeply. "You have to tell me what you want, because I can't keep doing whatever this is." 

"I have to leave Vinnie?" I asked surprised. 

"You don't have to do anything." She stated emphasising the have.