The two of us - Nichorello

35. Ruined

<Nicky's POV>

"What do you mean?" I ask, knowing that I just missed the moment when I should have walked away.

"I mean, you don't smoke any more. You're the owner and CEO of a huge company, you quit drugs, I didn't walk in on you and Sarah having sex yet. And I haven't seen you make any jokes or inappropriate comments."

"I grew up, I guess."

She smiles at me before I know she asks: "Do you think of me sometimes? I mean before I applied for that job?"

"No, not really," I lied because I knew that if not, it would bring up the whole question of the 'us' again. And I was not allowed to be in a relationship. I promised that to myself and I owed it to Monica.

"Oh, okay," Lorna looked in the other direction, so I couldn't see her disappointment.

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The 12-hour flight had just begun, Lorna had immediately plugged in her headphones and started watching a movie. I, on the contrary, began my new book on business expansion and a good investment. I noticed the man sitting behind us glancing at Lorna for a few minutes now. I couldn't help but feel a little sting in my chest. I groaned at how I still felt jealous when it came to her. I shouldn't feel this way. I should finally move past this.

She was married to Vinnie. She had a child for crying out loud. And I? I couldn't be in a relationship ever again.

"Excuse me, to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that you were watching the show Mentalist."

Lorna took out her headphones and looked at him, a little confused. "Yes, it's one of my favourite series," she smiled. He grinned in response.

"Well, I'm David Johnson. I'm a producer of that show."

"I'm Lorna. I watch your show."

"If you want, assuming that you live in New York, I could show you around on set one day. Maybe go for a coffee after?"

I tried to concentrate on my book, yet my ears were only listening to the conversation between the two of them.

"I'm sorry, I'm not looking for somebody right now."

I almost smiled at her answer.

"Oh, all right, then have a lovely trip," Davidboy said.

"You too," Lorna replied. She glanced at me for a second, before continuing to watch her show, which she did until I fell asleep.

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"Rest," I tell her. "You haven't slept in days."

"But I can't stop staring at you," Monica whispers raising her blue eyes. I look back at the road, avoiding the eye contact with the woman I should be in love with.

But I can't stop thinking about Lorna. No matter how much time passes. No matter how perfect Monica is. I can't seem to escape my past.

Suddenly the oncoming traffic is brighter than it should be. My hands grip the steering wheel.

I've always heard your life flashes before your eyes in the moments before you die. In a sense, that's true. However, it doesn't come at you in sequence or even in random order. It's just one picture that sticks in your head and becomes everything you feel and everything you see. It's not your life that flashes before your eyes. What flashes before your eyes are the people who are your life. The one person that is my life, Lorna.

All I see is her - my whole life- flash before my eyes. Inside me, outside me, through me, under me, over me. Lorna, Lorna, Lorna.

I can't find her. She wasn't in the car with me. It was only Monica and me. But I hear Lorna groaning.

I'm wet. It's cold. My head hurts. My arms hurt. I can't see her, I can't see her, I can't see her.

Silence. Deafening silence.

"Nicky!"

I open my eyes. It's wet, there's water, it's wet. Water is in the car. I unbuckle my seat belt and turn around. Lorna is in the car with us, her hand laying against the window peacefully. But she wasn't in the car.

Monica was. Her hands are on her seat belt. "Nicky, help me! It's stuck!"

I try. I try again. But Lorna needs to get out, too. She needs to get out, too. I kick my window and break the glass. I saw it in a movie once. Make sure there's a way out before there's too much pressure on the windows.

"Lorna, get out! I'll take Monica."

Lorna can't get out. Her seat belt is stuck. It's too tight. I let go of Monica and reach for Lorna's seat belt. My hands are underwater when I find it.

The water is everywhere. I can't see Lorna anymore. I can't see her. I reach for her seat belt again. I get it off her. I grab her hands. Her window isn't broken. Mine is. I pull her forward.

Someone is reaching in through the window.

"Give me her hand!" I hear him yell. The water is coming in through my window now. The entire backseat is water. I give him Lorna's hand. He helps me get her out. Everything is water.

I try to find Monica. I can't breathe. I try to find her. I want to prove to her that I love her. I can't breathe. So I just stop.

Everything is silent.

Defeaning scream. I cover my ears with my hands. I cover my heart with armour. I cough until I can breathe again. I open my eyes. We're in a boat. I look around. We're on a lake. I bring my hand up to my jaw. My hand is red. Covered in blood as red as Lorna's lipstick. Lorna. I find Lorna.

Monica. I don't find Monica. I push up my hands and move to the edge of the boat. I need to find her. Someone stops me. Someone pulls me back. Someone won't let me go. Someone tells me it's too late. Someone tells me he's sorry. Someone tells me we can't rescue her.

I move to Lorna. I try to hold her. But I hear Monica screaming. Sobbing. Crying. Wailing. She's ruined. Someone tells me I should have rescued her not Lorna. I think someone is my own thoughts. I hear Monica scream again. I ruined you, Monica. I look at Lorna, she's crying. She says I should have saved Monica instead. But I love you, Lorna.

"You should have saved her, Nicky!" she cries. You should have said her. I should have saved her. She pushes me away. She kicks me. I ruined her, too.

I let her kick me. I look at Lorna. I only see water. I close my eyes. I only see water. I look up at the sky. I only see water. I ruined myself, too.

Everything. Ruined.

I scream, angry that I rescued Lorna and not Monica.

A deafening scream, I wake up. I'm breathing heavily, my blood is rushing through the ears. My eyes are open. But I only see water. I hear a voice. But I only see water.

I feel a hand in my palm, shaking my hand. I grip for it, trying to get control over my body. I'm not in the lake. I'm not in the lake. I close my eyes. I feel arms wrap around me. Someone whispers something into my ear.

I open my eyes. I see her. It's Lorna. She smiles at me. She isn't ruined. It's Monica and me that are ruined.