Days With Zion Dawsey

41. The Talk

"About two years." Zion answered, finally taking her seriously.

"You've been drinking for two years every night?" Sheryl gasped.
"No, not every night. Just when I felt bad." He said, knowing he shouldn't have said the second part of his answer.
"Felt bad for what?" Sheryl frowned.

"Just bad." Zion shrugged. Sheryl had an idea what he felt bad about but she wanted him to admit it.
"Alright, so you drink whenever you feel bad. Has it helped so far?" She asked, causing him to glare at her.
"Does it look like it?" He snapped.

"No, so why do you keep doing it?" She asked, receiving no answer. Zion looked down at his hands, one of them still being held by his mother. He clenched his jaw.
"Zion, why do you keep drinking, even though you know just how much it doesn't help. In fact, it makes you even worse." She searched his eyes.

"How can you do that to yourself? Zion-"
"Because I can sleep after that. Are you happy now? Because I don't have nightmares when I drink." He said, annoyed she kept asking him the same question.
"Nightmares? What are they about?" She asked.

"They're different." He said, really not able to generalize his nightmares.
"Are they about River?" She asked.
"Sometimes." Zion shrugged.
"About Bonnie?" She continued. He nodded.

"About me?" Again, Zion nodded.
"About everybody, okay?" He snapped, taking his hand out of hers.
"About Kai too?" She asked again, watching him place his elbows on his knees and holding his head.

"Yes." He hissed. She knew it, Sheryl thought. He was still not over his brother's death. She ought to have sent him to a therapist back then, but he was against it. At his age, she shouldn't have let him have his way, she knew. But she could not bear to lose another loved one. It was never too late, she thought. But she'd be damned if she didn't try to help him herself.

"Are you ready to talk about what happened?" She couldn't wait. Even though he clearly also had issues with Bonnie, she wanted to start with his brother, which she knew was the reason for his behaviour.
"Am I ever going to be? Are you ready?" He asked, looking back into his mother's eyes.

"We really shouldn't stir up the old stories, mom. Please, I'll change. I promise, I'll do anything." He said, taking her hand back into his and squeezing it once.
"Honey, I know it's hard. But we never talked about it and that was my fault. But we can talk now, because we both need that." Sheryl squeezed his hand back.

"I can't." He said, looking away again.
"Well, I can." She said, grabbing his face, making Zion look at her again.

"When he died, my heart broke. I hope you never experience the death of a child, Zion. Because it ruins you. And I know that if I didn't have you, I would not be here today." Zion started to shake his head.
"Don't tell me that." He said.

"Listen to me." Sheryl snapped, now taking hold of both of his cheek, urging him to listen.
"I probably looked like I moved on pretty fast, like Kai's death didn't get me. But I realize it was a mistake to act like that. You must've probably been confused and felt alone with your feelings. But you're not, Zion." She whispered the last part of her response.

"I miss him every second of the day, but I have learned to accept that he will never come back. And I have learned to accept that I could've done nothing different that night in order to save him. And so should you." She wanted to continue, but Zion interrupted.
"If you remember correctly he died because of me. Don't even try to tell me that you don't think that too!" He exploded.

"I could-" Sheryl's eyes widened.
"I went out that night and he followed me. He followed me and died! If it weren't for me, he would still be alive today." He threw his hands in the air.
"You cannot possibly think that I could ever blame you for what happened." Sheryl snapped at him, standing up to glare down at her son.

"It was not your fault and I told you over and over again." When Zion tried to interrupt again, she shook her head and lifted her finger.
"What your father said that week was nonsense. You are not responsible for your brother's or your father's death. And I feel insulted that you think I would ever lie to you about that!" Zion gulped when his mother's voice rose.

"You don't know what could've happened even if he didn't follow you that night. He could've gone out for a stroll and died doing that. He could've died the-"
"But he didn't! He died right in front of me. He was yelling my name. Yelling for me to stop and talk to him. And I didn't. I just kept running from him. He just wanted to protect me and that's how I thank him?" By the end of his words, Zion had tears rolling down his face. His mother felt her own moistening her cheeks.

"I could never tell him how much I wanted to be him. How much I looked up at him. The years before he died were horrible. I was the worst brother to him and I always made him feel like I didn't want to be around him." Zion sobbed into his hands.
"Zion." Sheryl crouched down in front of him to meet his eyes.

"You don't think he knew how much you loved him? He was always there for you because he knew that you were just angry all the time. Angry because dad never praised you or talked to you like he did with Kai. We all knew that you were a good boy, trying to cope with the fact that you knew your dad had a favourite child. You were not a bad kid or a bad brother. You had bad parents, even though I tried to give you all the love that you deserve. It just wasn't enough, huh?" She cried, finally being able to hug him tight when he eventually broke down.

Zion's whole body was shaking as he let go of all the tears he had never shed. All the unsaid things were finally being said and even though he still felt a huge weight on his shoulder, it felt good to cry it all out. Sheryl felt her shoulder get wet and it made her happier than a wet shoulder should. Her son was finally showing her just how much he needed that talk. And she hoped he realized that he was not to blame.

"Honey." She said with a gentle voice, brushing her tears away and crouching back down after pulling away slowly. Zion wiped his face off with his shirt and looked back at his mother.
"If Kai was here right now, what would he do?" She asked him, stroking his still wet cheek.

"He'd probably ask me what's wrong." Zion's voice was weak and raspy.
"He would, huh?" Sheryl smiled, making Zion nod.
"What would he say if he found out that you blame yourself for his death?" She continued, getting another round of sobbing from Zion. He shrugged and closed his eyes. Sheryl turned around and got a tissue. She handed it to Zion, who took it with gratitude.

"Go on, hun. What would he say?" She urged him to answer.
"He'd give me a smack on the head and tell me I was being ridiculous." He answered, no doubt his brother would do that. Sheryl smiled, gave him a good smack on the side of his head and told him he was being ridiculous.

"I don't ever want you to think that anybody blames you. Because you're not to blame. Neither is the driver that drove the truck that night. Neither is Kai for not looking left to right. It is no one's fault, Zion. And I want you to understand that. It was an accident. Get it into your thick skull." She said, sitting back down next to him and rubbing his back, like she did this morning.

"I know it's hard to let go of something you've convinced yourself of for the last 20 years. But it is time for you to realize. He would want you to remember him in peace and not in guilt. He'd want you to move on, start your own family or do whatever the heck makes you happy. And I want that too. You deserve that." She said, kissing his covered shoulder.

Zion didn't answer. But her words kept playing in his head. It wasn't his fault...