Learning How to Bend

NaNo Day 21 - I will write more today...hopefully!

It's funny, how you start looking at someone differently when you realize you love him.  I never thought myself one to fall in love quickly, but this had not been rapid, had it?  No.  Our first dinner together was six months ago.  Not our first "date," but the first time we sat across the table from one another at a restaurant to discuss work functions.  That time when we ran so late in his office that I almost dragged him someplace else because I was starving.  At the time, I wondered if he ate anything.  If Mr. Frosty did not need sustenance, just like his snowy namesake.  Over time, though, he had proved that there was so much more to him.  Some might not have given him a chance.  Some might not have waited for him, as some might have witnessed only the cold exterior for which he was infamous.

I was not like that, though.  I saw past it.  I rolled out of bed and ran my hand down my face.  My first thought was a question regarding what Thaddeus was doing.  It was 5:00AM.  I put my hand on my window and immediately pulled it away.  Cold.  Very cold.  It was winter now, growing ever close to Christmastime.  I was intending to run outside, but the idea of bundling up just to sweat, then having to do an extra load of laundry...no, it was not appealing to me at all.  I slipped into my running clothes and headed to the extra bedroom.  After a thirty-minute warm-up, I increased the speed on the treadmill and started my typical five-mile jog.  I used the remote I stored in the cupholder to turn on the satellite radio.  The Lord of the Rings soundtrack immediately filled the room.  With a smile, I adjusted the speed of the treadmill so I was running to the rhythm of the music.

Thaddeus had not made any advances toward me.  I knew there were times when he thought about it, but he stopped himself, and I was grateful for that...at the time.  As I ran, I thought about how I wanted that to be different.  My resolve had slipped away a long time ago.  I had been fighting my feelings for a long time, and now I finally accepted them.  I could not stop my heart; it knew what it wanted, and I trusted it.  Mostly.

My heart had led me to Mitchell.

My heart had led me to Marcus.

My relationship with Marcus had destroyed him.  Joey, too.  He had felt guilty about the whole affair for months, as long as I was going to therapy and counseling.  It was not his fault; I had emphasized that to him for the longest time, but it was still hard for him to believe to this day.  I had made the decision to open up to Marcus.  Mitch, too, but Marcus had more of an impact on me.  I had regretted it every day since.  I knew I could not make the same mistakes again, or I might not survive.  I could not make them ever again.  I had to be a better judge of character.  No more Marcus characters in my life.  No Mitchells, either.

I still had the money stored from the engagement ring which I had worn so proudly on my finger.  I still did not know what I was going to do with it.  All I knew for certain was that I was not going to waste it.  I was going to do something useful with it.  Something memorable.  Something real.  Although I had not told Thaddeus about my past relationships directly, he could probably make his assumptions.  By some miracle, he never prodded.  He never asked.  He was waiting for me to talk to him, but I did not know if I would ever be ready for that.  I did not want to walk down those memory lanes.  If he wanted to know, he was going to have to ask.

For the longest time, I thought I would end up as a spinster, and frankly, it was a life I would quite enjoy.  I was blind, yes, but I was mostly independent.  I had taken care of myself for basically all of my life up to this point; what was another fifty or sixty years?  I would not have to worry about anyone's feelings but my own.  I would not have any responsibilities to see anyone or do anything past what I wanted to do.  That was a liberating thought.

In addition, there were few men who would even consider a blind woman as good relationship material, especially since my blindness seemed to be a genetic fault of some sort.  I had participated in more medical studies over the years than I could count, desperately trying to figure out the origin of the blindness.  At this point, I had given up on ever finding the cause or the solution.  That was my life, though and I was not going to lose sleep over what I could not do and what I could not change.  Especially when I could do so much.  I was in control of my own life and my own fate.  I did not need a man to protect me, did not need one to prove my worth.  I did not need to think about one or spend my life with one.