Learning How to Bend

December 20

I did not know what kind of reaction I expected from Thaddeus. No only that, my own response somewhat surprised me. I had never spoken my frustration and embarrassment aloud.  I was too gullible with Mitchell in college, and I thought I had learned my lesson.  Marcus stepped into my life, and I fell hard all over again, and fate took the bait.  Marcus was why I had mostly given up on love and resigned myself to be a single spinster with a dog for the rest of my life.  It was not the most fulfilling life, but I was content enough, with the companionship of Joe, Katherine, Chelise, and my nightmares.  I thought that was all I needed, but I never realized it was not all I wanted until I started growing closer to Thaddeus.  And it was not him making the first efforts; it was me.  Maybe that was the difference.  I would not say I was the pursuer in this instance, as Thaddeus and I seemed to be equal partners in this relationship.  But he did not try to make me fall for him; it just came naturally.

The bed shifted as Thaddeus moved.  I jumped when I felt his arms around me, and before I knew it, he had pulled me closer to him.  I did not resist—could not have done so if I tried.  Slowly and gently, I felt him pull the strap off my left shoulder, and he kissed the scar on my back.  He tenderly coaxed me to turn toward him before he bent to kiss the disfigured skin on my front then moved the strap back into place.

"The scars aren't signs of weaknesses, little love," he said. "But signs of strength.  Not many would keep going, but you have.  You've found your way to me, and nothing will ever harm you again.  No one will come near you.  I won't let it happen.  You're safe."

His gentle embrace, mixed with the powerful words, is what broke me.  Silent tears started rolling down my cheeks, but Thaddeus did not even give me the opportunity to wipe them away myself, as he did it for me.  He pulled me down to lie on the soft mattress, tucking me close to his side with my head on his shoulder. "I have you now."

"I know you do." I smiled up at him, my hand resting over his heart. "And that's why I love you."

I thought I felt his heart jump at the words, but I could not be sure.  He kissed my forehead. "Sleep, Lily.  Sleep."

And so I did.

-------

A nightmare woke me up, just like I knew it would.  I jerked in Thaddeus's arms as pain shot through my shoulder.  Normally the pain was not so bad, and I could ignore it.  Normally I could calm myself down, but this particular nightmare about Marcus was far too real.  Everything inside me was telling me to run.  To get away from the arms that were confining me and to just escape.  When the arms around me tightened, I cried out and pressed against Thaddeus's chest.

"Let me go," I said.

"Liliana—"

"No, no, no, let me go." I put all my weight behind my shove, limbs shaking, and Thaddeus acquiesced.  There was no hesitation as soon as I felt his arms drop.  I moved into a sitting position, my bare feet on the hardwood floor.  When I felt a hand on my shoulder, I rapidly shoved it off and buried my fingers in my hair. "Don't touch me.  And don't follow me.  Please."

I knew he did not have to listen to a word I said, and he could easily overpower me and pull me down, but I prayed he respected my words.  I stood and walked through the door of his bedroom to head to the living room.  The kitchen.  Anywhere away from the place where my terrible memories seemed to morph into nightmares which felt far too much like reality.

I was too distracted by the gunshot repeating itself in my head to echolocate.  Too distracted to recognize this was not my apartment...and I did not know Thaddeus's penthouse well enough to maneuver without clicking.  That did not keep me from trying.  I slammed straight into a wall, bouncing backward then continuing toward the living room.  When I arrived in the open room, I tripped over the end of the u-shaped couch, and I ended up collapsing onto the floor.  Pain shot up my leg, signaling to me I had probably caught my foot on something and twisted my ankle, but I did not care.  Pulling my knees up to my chest, I wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my head on my knees.