Learning How to Bend

January 7

//I recently experienced a bit of a burnout with this, but the closer I get to the end, the more I want to write. So...let's keep going, shall we?

I slept sporadically over the next week.  I lost absolutely all sense of time, as unlike most people, I could not judge day versus night via the light of the sun.  The only way I knew anything about time was that Thaddeus called me fairly consistently.  I kept having nightmares, and no amount of assurances from myself or from Thaddeus was making them go away.  Thaddeus could tell I was getting more and more flustered and exhausted with every phone call, despite my attempts to hide it.

I had always prided myself on my strength.  On my ability to overcome any obstacle which blocked my path, with my head held high, but the prospect of Marcus getting out was sending me over the edge.  If I were wise, I would try to see my counselor, but the last I had heard, she had actually moved to a different state.  I did not want to go through the process of explaining my whole life story to anyone ever again.  My last counselor was absolutely incredible, so I had no fear or shame in going to see one.  For some reason, though, I just...did not like the idea of anyone digging into my life that I did not already know.  Even if it were the job he or she was paid to do.

My phone rang, and I picked it up immediately.

"Lily?"

"Hi."  Was that my voice?  It sounded more like a frog's croak.

"How are you?" Thaddeus asked.

"Alive." I rubbed my hand down my face.

"Lily..."

"What do you want me to say?  That I'm better?" I dropped my hand against my thigh. "I'm not.  I don't think I will be better until you get your rear end back to me."

He stifled a laugh at that.

"How was your day?"

Thaddeus explained everything which had occurred during his meetings, as he always did.  He touched briefly on the people and the food provided, but in general, he kept turning the attention back to me.  I could tell he was worried.

He had every right to be, because frankly, I was worried about me, too.

"When was the last time you went out?"

"Good question," I said wryly. "I've taken Chelise out?"

"That does not count."

I rubbed up and down my arms. "I don't know.  I really don't."

"Have you seen anyone?"

"No." I knew what he meant, so I did not bother to correct his verbiage.

"Talked to anyone?"

"No one besides you," I said.

"That's not healthy, little love."

"I know."

"Are you going to do this until I get home?"

"Maybe?"

Thaddeus said nothing.

"He did terrible things to me," I said. "If you knew...you wouldn't blame me for hiding."

"You realize that by staying locked up in a self-imposed prison of isolation, you're letting him win, right?"

It was my turn to not respond.

"You're one of the strongest people I know. You can't just give up now.  You've come too far for that."