Learning How to Bend

December 11

//A bit short today!  Maybe I'll write more later. :) // 

I was woken up by a nightmare near 4:00AM. I jolted awake in Thaddeus's arms. The light sleeper that he was, he immediately woke, as well, tugging me closure to his chest but not saying anything. This wasn't one of he dreams where I wanted to be held, though. Marcus was there. With me, at my father's funeral, instead of Thaddeus. He did nothing but laugh, words from my youth which were said by my father spewing forth from his mouth. My mother's death was my fault. I had contributed to my father's death, too. His laughter seemed to scrape against my brain like the branches against the window glass. I untangled Thaddeus's arms from around me and sat up on the bed, my feet on the floor with my head in my hands. After a couple shaky breaths, I stood and pulled my stuffed dog from my bag before getting back in bed and clutching it to my chest.

"Lily?"

"Just leave me alone," I said, my voice tremoring. "Please."

"You're shaking like a leaf; I'm not leaving you like this." His hand went for my shoulder, but I shoved it off.

"I'll be fine."

"You're not 'fine.'" He mimicked my tone.

"I really don't want to talk about this right now." I clutched the stuffed animal closer, part of me wishing I could Chelise instead, but the golden retriever was curled up on her bed. I thought I could hear her paws twitching as she dreamed. "Just give me a little while. I'll be okay."

"You can't lie to me."

"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to pour out my heart and explain everything? Because that isn't happening. It'll only make things worse. Each time something happens with you, when we advance in our relationship some way, this happens. I am trying to combat these and trying to focus on you because you're worth it. I just...need to breathe." My words started out agitated but eventually softened.

"What can I do?"

"Go back to sleep."

"Are you going to do the same?"

"Probably not."

"Come here."

"No," I said. "I just need some space. I'll roll over when I'm ready."

Both of us went silent for a time. I did not know for how long, but it did not matter. Eventually, I shifted further onto the bed then rolled over to face Thaddeus, my stuffed dog still held tight in my arms. I wished I had the lavender spray I kept at home to spray on it, as the scent helped to calm me, but I unfortunately did not bring it with us. Thaddeus pulled one of my hands from my chest and interlocked our fingers. He pressed his lips against my forehead; the gentle touch caused a smile to stretch across my lips.

"Mind if I ask you a question?"

I tensed.

"Not about whatever you dreamed," Thaddeus said.

"Then no, I do not mind."

"What is that?"

"What?"

"In your arms."

I pulled out the stuffed animal. "I've had this since I was a child. It helps me sleep, and it gives me something to hold onto that grounds me in reality, so to speak."

"What's it supposed to be?"

I clicked once then punched his arm with a laugh. "He's a dog!"

"It doesn't look like a dog."

"Stop," I said. "Don't you have anything to help you sleep?"

"I do."

"What's that?"

"You."

I smiled.

"I like having you here. Right here, where I can keep an eye on you."

"I don't need that much looking after," I said.

"I know." He brushed a hand through my hair before leaving it on my cheek. "Why don't you try to get some more sleep?"

"Too awake," I said.

I heard the pillowcase rustle as he nodded.

I asked him a couple work-related questions to distract my brain and to clear the silence, but those questions started a discussion which did not conclude until we were leaving the house to head to the airport. I said goodbye to Susan, promised I would let her know when we touched down in New York, then got in the car beside Thaddeus, who was tapping away at his phone. Probably typing out all our thoughts from this morning before one of us forgot them. We should have used a phone to record what we said, but we did not think of that this morning. I gave him a couple other ideas as I thought of them, but I mostly left him to his typing and instead pet Chelise with my foot as she lied on the floor. She whined a couple times because she wanted up next to me, but I ignored her.

Thaddeus sat next to me on the plane. I expected him to sit alone, but he was instead close enough to where I could feel his hip up against mine on one of the plush leather couches. I put my head on his shoulder, thinking he was going to tell me to move, but he let me stay where I was. Planes made me nervous, but somehow I managed to fall asleep on Thaddeus's shoulder before the wheels had even left the ground. I did not wake up again until we arrived back in New York...except I was no longer on Thaddeus's shoulder. At some point in my slumber, I had curled up on my side on the couch with my head on Thaddeus's leg. I shifted and opened my eyes but did not sit up. Thaddeus was running his fingers through my hair again; did he realize just how much that simple action made me melt?

"We've arrived, little love," he said.

I groaned and sat up, rubbing my eyes as I shook my head with a tiny smile. "You let me sleep a lot," I said.

"I do."

"Why?"

"You need it, especially after last night," Thaddeus said, running his hand through my hair again.

I nodded.

"Are you ever going to explain?"

"I don't like to think about it," I said. "I'm worried it'll make it worse."

"Or it could make it better."

I shrugged and stood up. "Let's go."

We walked out of the plane then went to the car. Thaddeus was originally going to take me home, but I told him no. We went to the office instead, which was where we parted ways. Chelise and I went to my office while Thaddeus rode up his private elevator to his. I sorted through all of the emails which I had missed while we were away, beginning with the oldest first. In the time I was within the office, I received two new messages. One of them I put in a separate folder to respond to tomorrow, while the other I opened and rolled my eyes.

Miss Hamill, I need an update regarding the marketing plan for the new web application. TA

Mr. Andino, From what I can see, everything is scheduled to be completed before the deadline. I will touch base with my colleagues tomorrow and give you a better answer then. Best, Liliana

Same old Thaddeus, back in is business mode. In other circumstances, I might have given him a snarky response, but right now, I was beyond grateful things were back to normal. Work distracted me. Thaddeus knew that. He was giving me an escape from my heartbreak and from the nightmare of the previous night.

Once again, I was reminded of just how much I loved this man. With a tiny smile on my face, I brushed my hair out of my eyes. I authored a quick, professional response before going back to work on the projects I had not been able to work on. Thaddeus left me alone with the exception of an update email or two. I would not have it any other way.