Scars of your love

Chapter 29

I crawl on the bathroom floor till I reach the sink. I try to stand up on my wobbly legs only to fail, finally, I get up with the sinking supporting my weight. Everything is blurry due to the continuous tears that are streaming down my cheeks. I open the cabinet and reach for my toiletries bag, I reach inside for the thing I am searching for.

This need is blinding me this time. This time even though my senses are wide awake. The want- no- need to cut myself is consuming me whole. The feel of the sharp edge of the razor is the only thing that can satisfy this need, hunger inside me. This poisonous desire is overwhelming, overtaking my body. The razor blinks at me, taunting me. I push my skirt upwards to bare the scars on my thighs. I put the razor where it belongs. I run the corner of the razor along one of my other scars, drawing a line on my skin, drawing blood. As the blood oozes out, the fear is reeling out of my body and a sense of calmness is covering itself around my body and soul.

When the razor is on the other side of my thigh, when a clear-cut on my skin sketched from one corner of my thigh to the another, The razor slips from my hand and falls on the floor with the sound of blink resonating. The feeling of tranquillity is spreading through my body, my breathing is slowing down. Peacefulness is replacing the fear. I can't feel anything right now, all the time there is chaos and confusion inside me that can't be tamed but right now it shuts down making me feel peaceful. I know that I am worst just like a junkie who can't control one's addiction. But at moments like this, I feel it is worth it, worth all the pain in the world to not feel anything

I slide down the wall onto the floor feeling sedated. I wrap my arms around myself, not wanting to let go of this feeling yet. As I close my eyes, I hear someone calling my name and banging the door but I am way too happy to stay where I am. My eyes close in their own accord and I fall into a semi-conscious sleep.

"Tris?"

Something cold touches my cheek with a light pressure.

I am not willing to open my eyes. Everything is mixed in a bizarre jumble. I feel like I am still drifting in dreams and nightmares. There are some beautiful moments where I am happy, where I am alive and other parts where I am stripped of it and searching for sanity in madness. Everything is revolving in my head and I feel dizzy from it.

My eyes flutter open slowly. The artificial light is harsh on my eyes, making me blind for a while before becoming soft and fading in the background. My eyes fall on Alex as soon as I can focus on something. His face is etched with worry.

"Alex?" For some time, I don't understand what is happening. But soon I realize that the dreams and nightmares are my reality.

I freeze on the floor. No one has ever walked in when I am like this, when I am weak. I crawl away from him, backing to the corner. This is worse than a nightmare. Alex has not just seen my scares but now he is here witnessing how they are marked on my body. I quickly shield my scars with my dress not wanting him to see how fucked up this mess is. But it is too late, a smal patch of the floor is drenched with blood. I close my eyes, not having the courage to look at Alex.

"Tris?" Alex touches my arm. I flinch away from his touch.

Hurt shadows his eyes but he quickly sheath it up.

"How..?" My voice is croaked from all the early crying and shouting I did.

Why the hell hasn't he left yet? He shouldn't be here. No one should be here facing this shit that is my life.

"Key. I searched for it when I couldn't hear you anymore."

Rage bursts inside me. He should have left and he should not be here invading my privacy. This is all my fault. This is all my doing. I know this would happen sooner or later if I get too close with someone- with him. I shouldn't be with anyone. I shouldn't be with. I am an Abomination.