Scars of your love

Chapter 15

The hollow look in my parents' eyes is killing me softly. A scream escapes through my throat but no sound is heard, the silence is killing me. I stumble back until I fall on legs and hands where I am washed with the blood of my parents.

*****

"Tris, wake up. Wake up."  Alex is shaking me so vigorously that my teeth are chattering.

"Oh. God. Oh, God." I keep shaking my head thinking that will help me to remove the image of my parents' blood on my body.

"Tris, it was just a nightmare. Nothing but a nightmare."

"There was so much blood. Blood everywhere. It was on my hands, legs and body." I frantically run my hands on my arms.

"Look at me." He commands. "You had a bad dream. That's it. Do you understand me?"

How can it be a dream when it is my life?

"Do you understand me?" His voice rings through my ears.

"Yes. Yes. I do." I nod weakly.

"Let me get some water for you."

"No." I stop him. "Can you drop me at my apartment?"

Alex expression is torn. I hold my breath waiting for a fight. But it doesn't come.

"Okay. Let me grab my keys." He says finally.

****

As soon as he stops the car in front of my apartment complex, I get out quickly muttering a goodbye in my haste.

All I can think of is running far away, far far away I just don't know where. There is only one thing that can help me escape, that can numb me and I can't wait to get into my apartment.

When I reach the entrance of the apartment, I reach for my purse that should be in my hand. But it isn't. I look down at my hands and see that I am just holding my heels and nothing else. I don't have my purse with me.

"No. No. Oh, God. I have to get inside."

I start to pace around. My phone is also inside my purse so I can't call Alex. How can I be so stupid? I have brought this stupid heels with me but my purse.

I haul the heels against the wall. Anger. Resentment. Agony. These emotions are flowing through me. I press my nails as hard as I can into my palms. But the pain is not enough. It is nowhere near the pain a blade can infuse. I fall on the ground not caring the ground is rough and cold against my skin. Pain in any form is welcomed in my world right now.

Tears are falling down my cheek. The silent sobs that are escaping from me are as empty and hollow as me.

Nothing is right in my world. I have killed my parents. Who does that? I am a fool to think that everything will be alright. How can it be right when something is built on wrong?

The empty look in my parents' eyes in my dreams kills me softly. The accusation and the guilt are more than I can take. I need the pain right now.

The urge to press the heel hard against my scars to draw blood is so fucking tempting that I search blindly for my heels in the dark. I squint my eyes to see anything but I can hardly see anything. I run my hands over the asphalt like a madwoman. Hoping I will find them so I can ease this overwhelming feeling that is building in my chest.

A warm hand touches my shoulder, I tense at the contact. I don't want anyone to look me at this state. Vulnerable. Exposed. Weak. I fall back on my butt and lift my head up as slowly as I can.