Scars of your love

Chapter 25

If this is what it feels like, then I would give anything to take away this from me. To stop dying in the inside. It is like my heart is ripped straight out of my chest and someone is removing layer after layer painstakingly slow just to make sure that I am feeling all the pain I possibly can. But After some time I have stopped feeling anything. I have once again become numb.

A living zombie.

I don't know if I am allowed to feel any of this.

The lose.

The agony.

The anger.

Yes, I am fucking angry. That I have let myself to dream that I can have something... something that clearly not mine. I am also fucking angry at you-know-who. That jackass had no right to kiss me as he did in the woods. He had no right to show me a glimpse of what it will be like to be with him and snatch it all away in a blink. He has no right to make me feel like life has been sucked out of my body.

At the same time I am hurting inside so badly that I can't describe. I am hurting for what he has done to me. Also because I am missing his voice. I am missing his ghost of a smile. I am missing our bickering. I am missing him. Period. I feel like I have broken up with him. When we weren't even in a relationship. The issue that is killing me more is that the kiss hasn't meant anything to him when it meant the world to me. If it meant something to him than we wouldn't be here.

Three days have passed since I have gone to Alex house and saw that bitch- that is her official name now- at his house. I am trying to keep it all business now. I have a life where Alex is not the centre of the world. I am way ahead in my studies and it is fucking Great feeling. I have some other friends too. But as I say that to myself, it feels nothing more than a white lie- a hollow empty lie.

Alex has attempted to contact me. But I have blocked his calls. I have to create a wall between us. It is best for both of us.

If last week library has been my temporary go to place, then now it has become a permanent one. It is my safe harbour where I know I am safe.

I have found that Paul also spends most of the time there when he is not practising with the team and you-know-who. At first I was a little tensed but afterwards, I loosened up when I realised that Paul is not the prying type. We do our work in silence not needing to fill the silence with words. It made me remind of someone that I shouldn't think about. About how we used to be comfortable in each other's silence.

In my dream, a person is walking towards me. At first, everything is blur I can't see the face of the person. He is tall and lean but still muscular. I rub my eyes to see clearly. He has tangled hair I want to run my fingertips to see if there are soft. A perfectly straight nose. The sculptured lips parted. He is smiling a brilliant all heart melting smile which makes me catch my breathe. The eyes melted blue anyone can stare into and never mind to look away. He comes to stand in front of me looking at me with all the adoration a person can give. He raises his hand softly he touches my cheek with the back of his knuckles. I smile wistfully at him. He bends down, closing the distance between our heads. His sweet breath hits my face making me lose my senses. His lips touch mine with feather-soft touch.

I wake up, jerking in my bed.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I rake my hand through my hair. I can't even escape from him in my dreams. I should get used to these stupid dreams by now but every time it takes me by surprise.

I look at the bed alarm it is four thirty in the morning. I swing my legs out of the bed and make my wake to the kitchen. I open the refrigerator and take the bottle out and pour myself a glass of sparkling water.