Scars of your love

Chapter 21

AMANDA. AMY.

My ex-best friend who hates me is standing just a few feet away from me. Cold is creeping through  my skin and making me shiver and my insides are twisting as it has been more than four months since I last laid my eyes on her. People say with time everything fades away. But I don't think my guilt will any time soon. My mind is still scrambled in thousand pieces.

How? Why? Of course, it is a silly question. I should have asked Esme about who is coming so I could be prepared. Like what? Hide in the closet and never come out. I should know that she would be coming as her parents and my parents were members of the same freaking club. I open my mouth to say something thing- anything- to end this awkward silence but nothing comes out and the awkwardness continues. I must be resembling a goldfish for the number of times I have opened and closed my mouth.

"Umm..." I say something but it comes out as a noise in the back of the throat. The lump in my throat is blocking me from saying anything.

Amy crosses her arms across her chest defensively. Guilt starts eating me up alive. I know that I have fucked up got things in my life but at this moment I feel I have truly fucked up our friendship by having sex with Matt.

Tears are threatening to make appearances. Without uttering another word, I walk away. I walk away from my ex-best friend who has punched Gary on the nose for teasing me in third grade. I walk away from Amanda on whose shoulder I cried so many times after my parents death. I walk away from Amy because I am a goddamn coward and I don't have balls to say sorry to her and face her wrath.

I march down the hallway and grab my coat from the coat rack. I open the main door even before I got my arms properly into the sleeves. Tears are running down my cheeks. I sit down on the porch and wrap my arms around myself to control my sobs. Over the years I haven't said a single word to her after the incident. I know  I have done something that no best friend should do but I am sorry for that. I want to say so many things to her but I don't know how and I know that sorry can't cover for what I have done. I want to tell sorry so damn badly that it hurts physically. I know she will resent me and no matter how many sorrys I say it will never do justice for what I have done.

The arrival of a message on my phone, pulling me out of my retrieve. I take out my phone from my jacket to see who have messaged me at this time.

Alex: Hey! How's it gng?

I stare at the message for a long time. Just the name Alex is bringing fresh tears in my eyes. I am trying to put everything back to normal and if it needs to happen I have to make peace with my past. It means I have to tell Amy sorry for my wrongdoing. I have said to Alex that I will try and if this is what trying looks like then I can never say sorry to Amy in million years. Also a part of me doesn't want to disappoint Alex. Another major part of me is tired from all this running away and hiding from my past.

I brush my tears away hastily and sniff in an unladylike manner. I take several breaths to calm my racing heart. I walk to the front door and enter the house.

I can't hear other than the click of heels against the floor and my fast beating heart. It is like time has stopped, I feel each of my movements are in slow motion. I look for Amy in the living room, I have to force a smile on my face so I don't appear to be rude to my guests. I don't find Amy here but I do find Esme talking and laughing with some guy. I want to go to her and speak but I don't. She looks truly happy and I don't burst her bubble. The talk can wait.

I move to the trading room and finally, my eyes fall on the blonde head which is standing near the French windows. Amy is with parents.