Scars of your love

Chapter 23

I shrink in my seat, my eyes fixed on Alec and the brunette. It is not a normal friendly embrace which you give everyone, it is an emotional one where you feel something more than on physical level. It is making me sick looking at them knowing that someone you like, is hugging some other girl than you like he means, it is stomach revolting.

The cab has stopped across the street from where Alex is standing. I completely lower myself in the seat, not wanting to be seen by them- Alex precisely.

"I'm sorry. Um.. I gave the wrong address." I rattle off my address to the cab driver. The cab driver gives me an odd look, I must be looking acting weird. The cab driver throws another look at my direction and starts off to the new destination.

I never take off my eyes from Alex and the tall brunette. I twist in my seat to not lose the sight of them. I don't know why I want to torture myself by looking at them. But I don't look away for some sick reason. Finally, they disappear from the sight.

I sink back in my seat. I feel like something is rotting inside me. My throat is burning like as if someone has poured acid down it. I look out through the window watching the bared branches that have lost their leaves. I feel just like them, looking empty and hollow. I wrap my arms around me, even though the heat is blasting from the heater and I wrapped in a thick coat, I feel cold, nothing but cold.

Realization starts settling inside me. Maybe he has spent all week with her. That's why he was sending me small curt messages. Unshed tears start burning my eyes. Maybe he has messaged me when she wasn't looking at me because who will appreciate their boyfriend chatting with another female. Even when she is just a friend. Maybe she didn't allow him to meet me at the coffee shop. This makes me furious. But at the same time who the fuck am I to say anything? He has never been mine. Now he never will be.

What? No. No.

He is my friend. He is just my friend. I keep repeating it like a mantra. But the more I whisper it to myself, the less believable it becomes.

Damn it. Everyone was right and I should have told him earlier that I like him and now I can never do that.

Shit.

I should not be thinking like this. I am his friend and I should be happy for him. But it feels impossible to be happy.

The cab stops in from of my apartment, I quickly pay him and get out in the cold. I get my keys from my bag and open the front door. I rapidly climb the stairs. I don't know why I am in such a rush but I am. But I don't enter inside my apartment, I stop on the threshold not wanting to step in. As I am flooded with memories. Memories where we sat on the couch and did some binge watching. Us studying together over the coffee table. I take two steps back. I don't want to cry and make myself fall in depressive fog. I will fall if I step into my apartment right now.

I close the door and walk far far away from my flat And memories as possible.

********

The entire week, I stayed away as much as possible from my apartment. Library as became my new home. Even though it is temporarily. I also did nothing but study, sleep, attend the classes, study and more study. I can't even sleep properly and this time it has nothing to do with my nightmares but with the ocean blue eyes that haunt me every time close my eyes. Because of all this studying without any break, I am a little ahead and I like that.

My body and mind is so wired that I wouldn't even notice a giant elephant standing in the room. All the blame is on me and all the caffeine I have assumed to stay awake. My eyes are heavy and baggy. My body is begging for sleep but my eyes are not yet ready to close its shutters.