Shrek x Thanos

Chapter 1

Shrek was sitting at the Poison Apple, staring at other men wondering if they could ever like him. He was on his fourteenth drink this evening, and he was slightly tipsy. He turned his gay head to the bartender, who was cleaning the beer bottles.

"I'm never going to find a good gay man," Shrek sighed in his funny accent. The Bartender glanced at Shrek, he was so scared that the ogre would hit on him that he pretended he didn't hear and walked away. Shrek knocked his head on the table continuously, as to try to give himself a concussion.

I'm such a failure, no man will ever love me. I wish-

Shrek's thoughts were interrupted by the unnecessarily loud entrance of a muscular man. The man was tall and purple, and he was so jacked Shrek was afraid he would fall off his chair in awe. Everything about the mystery man seemed to turn Shrek on. The way he walked, the way he looked, the way that his entrance made the whole room go quiet, as if under a spell. There was just something so, so attractive about him. The handsome giant trotted over to where Shrek was sitting, and Shrek was sure he was about to die. Shrek held his breath as the man sat next to him.

"I'll have what he's having." He tilted his head over to Shrek's glass and smiled sweetly at Shrek. Shrek was sure he was going to faint, as the giant's voice was more lovely than he could've ever imagined. "I'm Thanos," Thanos said wearily as he stuck out his hand. Shrek suddenly couldn't move, his body had frozen. Thanos's expression changed from dreamy to confused, as he shook his hand in front of Shrek's face as if to try to wake him out of his trance. "Hello? Are you alright?"

"Uh- yeh, yeh. I'm f-fine." Shrek shivered as he screamed internally.

"That's good. Um, as I said, my name's Thanos. Who're you?"

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Why is he speaking to me?

"Shrek! My name is Shrek..." At that moment Shrek wanted to stab a corkscrew through his heart. God, how socially awkward can you get?

"Well, Shrek," Thanos snickered, "it is very nice to meet you."

"You too, I guess." Thanos once again smiled his sweet smile. His eyes shone so brightly It felt like he was looking directly into Shrek's soul. Oh, how badly Shrek wished he wasn't gay.

"S'cuse me, fine Sir. Do you happen to have a spare room that I can rent out?"

"No, Sir. We do not have rooms. I own a bar, not a hotel establishment," the bartender almost spat out his words.

"Do you guys... know each other?" Shrek instantly regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. "Uh- sorry! It's none of my business, I-"

"No, no. That's okay," Thanos put his hand on Shrek's arm as a comforting act, but it made Shrek's heart skip a beat.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. He touched me! He fucking touched me! Jesus, his hand is strong!

"We, uh- we actually do have a... history," the bartender sighed.

"It's true. We've hooked up before."

Oh, my actual shit! He's gay! Or at least bi, but let's hope gay!

"Cool, cool, cool, cool," Shrek nodded sensibly as if he wasn't having a mental breakdown.

"So, why is the bartender so... you know..." Shrek whispered to Thanos.

"Salty?" Thanos smirked.

"Uh, yeah. I guess you could say that."

Oh, my ogre, he's funny! This guy is perfect!

While Shrek was admiring Thanos's body, the Bartender spoke in a hushed tone.

"I'm only salty because we hooked up, then he didn't call me back! You're such an ass, Thanos!" He was so furious smoke could burst our his ears.

"I guess I do have one hell of an ass..." Shrek burst into laughter, cackling like a demented witch.

"I'm sorr-sorry," he snorted, "that was really savage!" Thanos wiggled his eyebrows, making Shrek laugh even harder. "Stop! Stop! Please!" At this stage Thanos had started laughing too, even the salty bartender cracked a grin.

"Look, Thanos," the bartender smiled sadly, "you coming here brings back to many bad memories. I would really, really appreciate it if you could just leave." Thanos exchanged hurt and confused glances with Shrek.

"That's so unfair!" Shrek shrieked. "Just because you got dumped doesn't mean you can hold it out on Thanos!"

"Shrek," Thanos stroked the small of Shrek's back in a gay manner, "It's alright... um, hey... maybe I could... crash at your place?" Once again Shrek froze in his chair, his muscles tensing.

Did the cute gay just hit on me? Jesus! I can't say no!

Shrek coughed, "no, no. Of course, you can stay with me! I mean, sure! I have no other plans or... wives."

"Wives?" Thanos inquired.

"What? Who? I'm not married, and I'm gay as hell!"

"Okay, okay! Shrek, chill out. I didn't even ask if you were gay."

Shrek nodded, embarrassed. To calm himself he stared into Thanos's beautiful, shining eyes.

"Let's go."