The Deal

Chapter 31

My life officially felt like one big mess. I really wasn't sure what to do at this point. I honestly felt like Christian would never talk to me or look at me the same again and that hurt more than the whole Alexander cheating on me thing. 

Though it still hurt. He was seeing who knows how many other girls behind my back. The feeling of being cheated on didn't feel good. In a way, I considered Alexander the only kind of easy thing in my life. When I was with him I seemed to forget about the world around me and all my problems. He always found a way to make me smile and laugh. He seemed like such a nice good guy, what happened? Was it all just a sham? Was none of it real? Clearly, we weren't really a couple for him, if we had been, things would've turned out differently.

No wonder why he wasn't so quick on telling Christian about our relationship, it's because in his eyes it wasn't a relationship. But what did he expect? How long did he think he could just lie to me without me knowing? I guess it doesn't matter anymore now that we're over.

"Wow, your life is a shit show." Mellisa points out. I had come to her house as soon as the sun came up the next day. I needed someone to spill everything to. I knew Mellisa listen, maybe give me some bad advice, and not judge me as much as anyone else would. "So what does that mean? Do you like Christian a lot or something? I mean obviously, you do because you clearly care so much about his feelings." She shook her head, looking to be deep in thought.

"I don't know, I'm utterly confused. Besides what does it matter now? He hates me! I dated and slept with his best friend well practically leading him on! My whole situation- him marrying my mother, me and him, it's not a very common situation that is easy to just get around by." I laid back on her bed, running my hands down the length of my face. I wanted to scream. I wanted this all to be just one huge dream. I definitely just didn't want to deal with this.

"That's true. I know usually I have some great advice for you but today- well shit man, this is seriously some fucked up stuff." She gave me a pitiful look. I roll my eyes at her. I didn't expect her to give me any good advice or any advice at all. I just needed to vent. I needed someone to listen.

"What did your mother say when you told her about you and Alexander?" She asks. "Not much. She said that my focus should be on other things and not 'playgirl models' but she didn't seem very mad at that fact that I was seeing him, just more mad that I had embarrassed her at dinner."

"Are you going to still work for Christian?" She asks suddenly. I hadn't thought about that. My mind was too filled with other thoughts like how I was supposed to apologize to him, how was I supposed to get him to not hate me, but I had totally forgotten that I worked for the man. That I literally would see him every day. Maybe eventually he'd forgive me over time? I felt hopeful but I knew there wasn't a very good chance that he would forgive me any time soon.

"I have no other choice. Christian and I agreed, not that long ago, that whatever was going on between me and him needed to stop- so it's not like anything was going to happen. Though I wish he didn't hate me now. It's not like now that I don't have a relationship with Alexander that I immediately want one with Christian... I just want him to not hate me. That's it."

"Than you have to just really apologize and tell him that." She shrugged and though she made it sound easy, it was far from that.

~~

The next day going to work felt dreadful. Christian and I hadn't talked once since the night on the steps. I hadn't even seen him. I felt too shameful to even attempt to talk to him. I felt like Mellisa was right, that I should just really apologize. That was all I really could do, though the idea didn't sound amazing.

He had told me that I was my own person, that I could basically make my own decisions and I had no reason to explain myself, but I felt like I needed to, especially to Christian. I didn't want him to think of me like some whore. I didn't want him to think that I was leading him on, but how was I suppose to tell him that when in reality I can't even convince myself that I wasn't leading him on.

I got to work around three, right after school. I wasn't surprised to find my desk full of things that had to be done, from papers to shred, to meetings I had to make and schedules I had to keep up with.

The whole first hour I found myself to keep glancing up at Christians office door, hoping he'd magically come out and smile, or come to my desk for a bit of small talk like he usually did, but I knew he wasn't going to.

I knew I couldn't disturb him either. The next thing on his schedule for the day was a meeting with H.R. I kept glancing at the clock, waiting for the time to hit 5 so that I could go into his office and remind him of the meeting. Time felt too slow as if it were definitely not on my side.

"Oh- I didn't realize you got in." Veronica approached my desk with a few files in her hands, sitting them on my desk. "I need you to files these for me." She says. I nod glancing up at the clock again. "What are you looking at?" She narrowed her eyes before following my gaze. "Oh sweetheart, you still have hours before you get to go home. If I were you I'd focus on finishing my work so that I'd be able to go home ASAP and not have to stay overtime." She says giving me a fake frown before walking away. I roll my eyes, glancing at the clock again.

To my luck it hit 5. I stood up so fast that my chair almost fell back. I grabbed Christians schedule before hurrying to his office and knocking on it a couple times. "Come in!" I can hear him faintly yell inside. I took a deep breath before forcing myself to open the door. He looked up, glancing at my figure before looking back at his laptop. "What can I do for you, Zaina?" He asks. I looked in his voice for any hint or sign of his mood towards me. He didn't sound annoyed, he didn't sound mad or hurt, he just sounded professional like he usually did at work.

"Umm- yeah- uh-" for some reason I couldn't remember why I had come in here in the first place. I felt so nervous suddenly, I felt as if all the air in the room had been sucked out.

I clear my throat a little, trying my hardest to make it not so clear that I was utterly nervous. "You're schedule....you have a meeting right now." I point out, looking down at the schedule in order not to have to look at him for any longer. The more I looked at him the more I felt like I was going to explode.

"Okay." He nods, typing something into his laptop.

For some reason, I just stood there, as if waiting though I wasn't sure what for. I searched my brain for anything to say, I felt like I had spent all day preparing for this moment, yet I felt so unprepared like I gave it a second of my thoughts and just pushed it to the side.

"Is there anything else, Zaina?" He questions, glancing up at me after realizing I was just standing there. "No.." I frown but force myself to walk out of his office. I slumped down in my chair, closing my eyes.

There was no possible way I could just apologize to Christian. There was too much to apologize for, and it wouldn't matter how many times I did apologize. Maybe I just needed to realize that what I had done just wasn't forgive-able.