Learn To Live Again | Namkook

Chapter 21

Namjoon POV

As we pull into the driveway, Taehyung and I get out of the car. Hoseok doesn't even say a word or get out of the car, throwing it into reverse as soon as we're out and speeding back down the road.

I silently follow Taehyung up to the front door, my head hung as I unlock the door and let us in. As soon as I'm inside the apartment, I leave Taehyung at the door and head straight to my bedroom.

When I reach my room, nothing feels right. Heading over to my bed, I sit down on the edge of the bed. My mind is violently loud but deafeningly silent all at once. Thousands of thoughts running through my head, but seemingly at such a pace that I can't even keep up with that leaves me numb.

I don't know how long I sit here for before I get up and head towards the bathroom. I don't know why, but I pull out one of the drawers and am mildly surprised to find a bunch of razors...

Is this what you wanted, hyung? Is this what you wanted to happen? You said that someone needed me to start living again. That I was hurting someone else by hurting myself this way. But why does it feel like I've only fucked everything up now that I've tried to do that? Was all of this really worth it?

Taehyung POV

Pacing in the living room, I eventually grow worried for Namjoon. I thought he'd only be going to his room to get something and then come back out or to go do something. But he's been in there for over a half hour now.

Biting my lip nervously, I run a shaky hand through my hair and head down to Jimin hyungs old bedroom where Namjoon is staying. When I find the bedroom door open but no sight of Namjoon, my mind goes into panic.

Rushing into the room, my eyes widen as I spot Namjoon in the bathroom with one of Jimin's old razors in his hand.

"Hyung! No!" I shout, running over to him. I immediately slap the razor out of his hand as it lands on the sink counter. Instantly, I take it and shove it back in the drawer before shutting it and dragging him out to the living room.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" I yell at him as I shove him onto the couch. He just shrugs blankly.

"Do you have any idea what kind of condition you would've thrown Jungkook into if he came back here and I hadn't found you to stop you?! You could've been on the fucking floor bleeding out by the time he gets back if I hadn't stopped you! You can't just... Don't ever fucking do that again. Don't even think of it." I snap, tangling my hands into my hair in attempt to stop the shaking.

"It's not like any of this is worth it anyways, Taehyung. He's never going to talk to me again for having done that and I wouldn't be surprised if he kicks me out. I'd be better off gone and everyone else would be better off if I were gone." He says, sounding completely numb with no expression on his face whatsoever.

"No. Stop it. Don't you dare say that bullshit, Namjoon. You're wrong. You're so fucking wrong, you have no idea. You've got no idea how much pain you'd put Kookie in and I can't afford to lose him to. I don't care if you're fucking miserable. You're not leaving Jungkook like that." I snap with tears in my eyes.

"Why would you lose Jungkook if I left? There's absolutely no correlation." Namjoon questions.

"He may act fine, but it killed him losing his first best friend. If he lost you too? I... I don't think he'd be able to handle it." I explain with a shaky voice.

"Why are you so close to crying? I highly doubt my absence would affect him that much. It'd be one less burden for him to deal with." He says with a shrug.

"ENOUGH! Damn it, Namjoon, this isn't your fault that Kookie ran off! He's not mad at you! He doesn't fucking hate you or anything that you're thinking right now! Hoseok and I aren't mad at you! I'm close to fucking tears because you almost just tried to end yourself the exact same way we lost our last friend! The only fucking reason those razors are still there was because I hid them from Kookie's sight so that he wouldn't have to relive that memory when he went back through the damn room to clean it out!" I shout.

Forcing myself to calm down, I sit down on the floor and lean my back against the wall. Closing my eyes, I lean my head back against the wall as well as I force myself to take deep breaths.

"Jungkook's running off has nothing to do with being upset with you in any sort of way, hyung. Like I've told you before, he keeps his thoughts and feelings to himself. And because of this, he has a lot of un-dealt with emotions bottled up. The fact that you're his first kiss... just doesn't make things easier for him to internally sort out. This was bound to happen sooner or later due to something or another. I promise, hyung, you've not messed anything up with Jungkookie. He just... needs to sort some things out."