Touched By You

"You're not alone in this."

Leo was staring at her with an intensity he never had before. It was like his mind was riddled with questions that he couldn't verbalise and it was driving him insane. He didn't make a sound, he just sat and stared and made her feel small under his gaze.

And it surprised her that a creature so small could have that effect on her. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? Wasn't she supposed to feel superior over him?

Lauren exhaled the puff of smoke out the window, breaking eye contact with the dog and grumbled incoherently, hoping it would shoo Leo away. The very last thing she wanted was to feel judged by the dog as well. She already felt it enough with Camila.

It was like the brunette was making it her mission to make Lauren feel emptier than she already was and it was driving the green-eyed girl insane. All Camila whined about was how much Lauren needed to come to terms with things, to find a healthier outlet than pushing everyone around her away. It was becoming repetitive and annoying and the raven-haired girl wished nothing more than for her wife to shut the hell up and let her be.

And yes, she was aware of how completely out of line that was and that Camila was simply trying her best to also deal with everything that had happened, but Lauren's anger clouded every rational thought that popped into her head. Her anger had her driving anyone who got near her away; Camila, Leo...hell, Lauren was angry at the universe.

The only thing that halted that anger was the herb she was currently inhaling. The reason for that being it opened her mind enough for her imagination to run wild. And that's where Lucy came in.

Lauren could see her, she was perched right across from her on her windowsill looking down at the pedestrians in the street, her curious brown eyes probably making up stories in her head about what their lives were about.

"We could drop eggs on them," She looked up to Lauren, that devious smile in tact. "Can you imagine if we hit a vegan?"

The younger girl rolled her eyes as she inhaled deeply, feeling the burn of the smoke hit her lungs before blowing it out.

"I don't think I've ever seen you smoke this much." Lucy frowned and Lauren kind of hated that frown, because Lucy had never really been the frowning type. Even in the most troubling situations, she managed to keep her humour. So Lauren hated that smile. "You should stop."

"No."

"Camila must hate falling asleep next to you at night." The mention of her wife's name had Lauren feeling on edge. Camila had no say in how she went about her life.

"Shut the fuck up."

"I don't get it," Lucy sat back and crossed her arms. "You're angry when I'm here but I wouldn't be here if you didn't want me here. So what's your endgame with this? Just keep me around forever? Be angry forever?" The pair locked eyes, Lucy's challenging and firm while Lauren's held a hint of uncertainty. "This is fucked up, you know?"

"I know."

"It's been two weeks. You don't answer calls from the gallery, you ignore your emails, you ignore your wife. You know she's leaving for a week in two days, right? Do you even care?"

"Lucy-"

"This is fucked up, Lauren. You have to let me go."

"How?" Lauren pressed the end of her joint into the windowsill and locked eyes with Lucy. "How the fuck do I let you go? Tell me, because I don't fucking know."

"I can't tell you," Lucy shrugged, her eyes drooping down with sadness. "But I'm the one that died, Lauren, not you."

And it was as Lucy said the words that Camila walked into the apartment carrying two paper bags filled with groceries. It was clear she was struggling and Lauren knew she could help but she couldn't make her body move to do so. She just watched as her wife struggled over to the kitchen and felt the hate build inside herself.

In small moments, she hated herself for what she was putting Camila through. She knew the younger girl deserved so much better than what Lauren was doing but the older girl simply couldn't move past the boulder that had been dropped on her chest. It was like she was gasping for air from the bottom of the ocean and she couldn't even see the surface.

She was drowning and she was bringing everyone around her down with her.

And she saw it, she saw who she was becoming. Images of her mother and father flashed through her mind and no matter how much she flinched away from them, she still couldn't lift the anger that had settled upon her. In what fucked up world did Lauren and Camila get a happily ever after without Lucy to see it all happen? In what fucked up world did Lauren lose the one person who'd always been there for her? As if she hadn't already lost enough people in her life.

Her relationship with her family was almost non-existent aside from Chris, the only other person that had cared about her aside from Lucy was her grandmother who she'd also lost at a young age...and now Lucy was gone too.

She was angry because she thought she'd suffered enough for all the shit she'd done in the past. She thought she'd paid her dues.

When Lauren averted her eyes back to Lucy again, she was gone. A soft sigh left her lips as her head fell back against the wall.

"Ally's invited us all over to her place this evening for dinner," Camila's tone was dismissive and blunt, it was no longer the warm, comforting one Lauren knew. And she knew that was her fault, she'd made Camila feel this...far away from her. "I'm going, so is Vero. You can do what you want, I guess."

Vero had taken to staying over at Normani and Dinah's place, claiming her apartment felt too cold and too quiet. It was temporary...or that's what she'd said a week and a half ago.

"Camila-" But even as Lauren spoke her wife's name, she didn't know what she would say to her. Because those brown eyes looked up at her and they no longer held that endless supply of hope in them.

And Camila waited, hoping Lauren would say something that would fill the void in their marriage, that would break this icy fortress that had encompassed their home.

But Lauren said nothing. Her shoulders slumped and she ran a hand through her hair. Because what does one say to the one person they swore never to hurt though did exactly that once again?

Lauren couldn't manage a sorry when her heart was set on feeling only pain. Every time she wanted to feel something else, anything else, she was hit with a jolt in her heart as a reminder of what she'd lost. Part of her felt as if it would hurt less if she distanced herself. Nothing could hurt her if she made herself stop caring.

But even then, as Camila released a soft exhale in dejection, Lauren knew that she could never not care about the younger girl.

"I lost her too," Camila spoke softly, her eyes downcast. "I know what she meant to you," She felt her chest clench as she spoke the words. "But I lost her too, Lauren."

"I know." The raven-haired girl's voice was hoarse.

Camila looked up again, her eyes meeting her wife's. And those brown orbs were searching, Lauren knew they were looking for answers. But they found none.

So when Camila retreated to their room, Lauren found her own eyes wandering out the window, back down to the pedestrians and she decided to make up stories for them as well.

"She's right, you know?" Lucy's voice was just above a whisper. "You're not alone in this."

But Lucy didn't get it. Lauren was alone in it. Because no one but Lucy truly understood how they were, what they meant to each other. Lucy had been the sole person to keep Lauren from drowning in complete darkness all those years ago and she had no idea. So Lucy was wrong, because Lauren was alone in it.

No one would ever understand just how alone Lauren was in it.