the inner workings of my mind and soul.

mom

you should be here for this. I have no doubt that you are I just want to be able to come home and hug you. I want to be able to smell your smell again. I want to hug you while I cry and listen to your heartbeat mommy. I want you here even though I know where you're at is so much better I want you to be here. I want my mom back. I want your random laughter. I want you to yell at me to wake up because my alarms been going off for an hour. I want you to talk to your best friend because Mom you talking to her would be such a comfort for both of us. I want my sister to be able to talk to you because there's no one she will talk to like she talked to you. I want you be my brothers go to person. I want you to kiss dad when he comes home from work in the evenings and before he leaves in the morning. I want you to ask us to talk to you when the anxiety takes control. I want you to ride around while my little sister drives. she's driving mom. I'm driving. I get my license today and you aren't here. not by choice that's just how life happened. I know you have been with us when we needed you most. I know you comforted your best friend when her mother got sick and then when she passed. I know you wrapped us all in your arms and asked God to help us. I know you were there when I had my first anxiety attack. I know you were there when I first went to counseling, when I got the diagnosis of depressed. I know you were there when we had some of the best moments since you left us. I know you were there the day I decided I couldn't wear something that gave you so much comfort. I know you are there for all of this, even if it isn't how we would like. I know you were there the day we said goodbye to you. I know you were there when we were in a play. I know you were there the day I drove again. I know you were there in the airport the first time I flew and was away from home by  myself. I know you were there mom. you were there because we were there. you gave part of you to us. everyone who loved you, everyone who knew you, everyone you were close to. mom I know you will be there in the future I know you will smile when we smile and that your heart will ache when we ache. because you are in us, mom, you are and i am so honored and happy to be anything like you because mom? you were an incredible, magnificent woman, you were so strong, so brave, so stubborn and loving, you were the most amazing mom. i hope i can be like you, i hope i can watch out for my sister well enough and see that my brother won't get into too much trouble. i hope your bet friend  and her family know how much you love them. because mom? you had the greatest taste in people. thank you for putting them in our lives, thank you for being pour guardian angel. remember i love you and we love you.