the inner workings of my mind and soul.

how my brain works

I close the door and I can finally breathe. there are no people, no questions, no physical contact, it is just me and the unbelievably reassuring silence of an empty sunlit room. behind this door I allow myself to feel everything I have been avoiding to feel in front of the world. I feel the grief. I feel the aching pain of realizing that I will not see you walk through the door again. that I won't get to hug you again, I won't hear your laugh, I won't smell your perfume on the person it was meant for, you. I won't be able to call you when I need you. I won't be able to come home crying and run into your arms, instead I will run to the comfort of my bed knowing it will not even begin to come close to you. nothing will ever come close to you and as this hits me the tears fall. the grief pushes all the air from my lungs. I can't breathe from the waves that keep pulling me further and further below the surface. I can't see from the water in my eyes. I can't hear because I am being pulled down down into the dark abyss of undeniable soul destroying pain of loss. I lost you when you left. I know if you could you would probably would have stayed. I know parts of you are still here. Because when you love the way you taught me to love your soul gets intertwined with those around you which ultimately leaves pieces of your soul, your heart, you, intertwined with those you love; even if you can't feed that love anymore they can and I know they will because I will.