the inner workings of my mind and soul.

D and lily

"i deflate when you're not around; i don't know why, but i do. saying it out loud doesn't help. saying it to you doesn't help" i finish.
"so why are you telling me?" d questions.
"because it plays on repeat in my head everytime i watch you walk away and i can't keep it bottled up inside me anymore. i cant, im sorry." i feel deflated again but it doesn't matter anymore.
"hey." d says
"yeah?"
"i feel deflated too." d states
"you do?" there's no way that's true but it sounds nice.
"yes, i do. will you please look at me and not my shoes?" i can hear the irritation in his voice and yet I can't move my eyes; i want to still they won't move. that's when I feel his hands one on either side of my face turning my head up to his.
"why..." i choke "why didn't you say something or do something? and don't" i cut in before he can speak. "ask me before you answer. it doesnt work that way; not right now at least."
"okay." d replies. "but you, you have to look at me. I'm not saying this to you without your eyes on mine." slowly i pull my eyes up and there his are looking so intensely into mine that it is easy to let them rest there. "I didn't say or do anything because I don't know what I'm feeling." d breathes " i mean do you?"
"no I don't."
"okay," he continues, "so we have to figure this out..." d stops.
"what? oh no, what is my face saying?" i blurt out.  he laughs, wait a second if he's laughing that means,
"I said that out loud didn't i?"
"yes. yes you did." d answers.
"okay." im worrying now and worry means anxiety and anxiety means moment over. "what was it saying?" i question.
"it was saying..." d draws out, "that maybe you dont want to figure this out-" "what?!" i interrupt. that can't be true bad face! bad face!
"it's okay if you don't it really is." d says. great now he really is deflated. okay fix this! fix it lily!
"i get it." d says. "i mean i don't but i will. no i wont but I'll act lke i do. though it will probably fail miserably. anyway it's not your concern." d starts to slide his hands off my cheeks where they have been resting. i can literally feel him slipping away and yet I'm stuck. "move lily! move!!" I shout shout in my head before managing
"d, wait."
he stops, "for what? what am i waiting for?"

i don't know what to do, so i kiss him. we stand there frozen for the longest moment before something changes. i feel his arms wrap around my waist which drives my itching fingers to, do something they have longed to do, run through his hair. after a moment or two we come to our senses and break apart. "i want to figure this out," i whisper breathlessly, "i do."

"great," D replies, pulling me into a hug before burying his face in my neck.

"D?"

"yes?" he whispers sending chills all over my body.

"how do we figure this out?" i question.

"how do you want to figure this out?" he retorts. weighing the question in my mind i whisper, "this is nice. what do you call this?" i question while mindlessly playing with his hair.

"i don't know. what do you call this?" something in his face makes me move to look at him, "call what?" there's those eyes.

"will you be my girlfriend?" D blurts out, blushing. i can't say anything, the lump in my throat is too big. after a minute or two i finally manage, "o.....okay." my voice is shaking, i am shaking.

"are you okay?" D asks. the lump in my throat is back.

"um...." i croak, "not really i...." that is when the anxiety hits and all standing composure is lost. "hey," D whispers while wrapping his arms around me. "it's okay."

"don't say that!" i yell between sobs into his chest.

"don't say what?" he asks quietly trying to understand.

i pull my head away from his chest, "don't say "it's okay." i can't stand when people say that!"

"why can't you stand it lily?" he asks, as his eyes search mine for something i doubt they will find.

"because that's what i tell myself when my heart is breaking! that's what i say when it's anything but okay!" a sob interrupts me, "so please!" i plead. "please don't tell me it's okay." a moment later when my head has returned to his chest, i hear hear his heart pounding, for a moment i listen to the rhythmic beauty before i remember that it had started out steady and slow. i move to look at him properly and that's when i see it. that's when i see him and i know with absolute certainty that he does the same thing. that he says the same thing because tears are streaming down his face. those clear blue eyes are now shattered mirror pieces allowing me to see him. what scares me the most is knowing that he can see me too. we stay like this, looking at one another, the truest versions of ourselves, until we are interrupted and all too quickly i see his face harden and all the doors close. i'm about to ask "what's wrong?" when i hear.

"what are you two doing out here? why are you hugging? what's going on?" just like that we break apart.

"don't worry about it." D shrugs it off while trying to mask what just happened and who i just saw. "what are you doing out here anyway?" D asks, nodding in the direction our interrupter just came from, implying he should still be there.

"it let out."

"oh." D replies before turning to me. "um... well... lily... i'll uh.." D tries. he is blushing  which makes me blush while we stand there staring at each other. our interrupter loudly clears his throat making us turn to look at him.