I Don't Seem So Bright in a Well-Lit Room

Chapter Three

       
There are many things Aye couldn't do. He couldn't play a musical instrument (not even a Squambogian kazoo snail, which played itself).  He couldn't work a stove or swim or tie a knot. He couldn't drive a space ship. He couldn't even drive a golf ball.

He decided, completely subconsciously, that every time Captain Stig gave him a command, he would vomit. This kept the janitorial wet/dry vacuum robot very busy and had Stig overwhelmed with doubt.

"Flu season," Aye coughed.

"No it isn't. The flu only existed on Earth and was eradicated when the Great Mall went up," Stig replied.

"Yes! Their slogan was 'Shop Away Your Ills!'" Aye mused (poorly) to no response. "So...is there a mister Stig?" He said with flirty flourish, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his stolen uniform.

"No. There is another missus Stig," Stig said dryly, trying to hold in her increasing anger.

"Is it serious?" Aye smiled.

Stig only had two eyes to roll which she thought was a shame. For a brief moment she wished she had a dozen more eyes to roll. It would have been much more satisfying. On a very good hunch she typed the name "Jonas Perrish" into the console in front of her as the Shiv soared through the great vacuum of space, on its way to the prisoner moon of Tractos.

A holographic screen appeared before them both. A picture of a man who wasn't Aye came up with the name that appeared on the chest of the uniform that Aye was wearing. He shifted in his chair.

"So, what tipped you off? The vomit? The Mantis wounds? The horns? The smell of Barbohdean gin on my breath?" Aye asked sheepishly.

"Yes," answered Stig even more dryly.

"Well I for one am relieved," Aye sighed heavily. "Now that we don't work together there can be romance without side eye from the boss..."

"I am giving you one attempt and one attempt only to say something that will stop me from throwing you out the air lock. I'll help you get started. Who are you? Where is Perrish? And are you working for or with Flowermorey?" Stig asked, still trying to remain calm but losing what little patience she still possessed.

"I am the infamous, mischievous and very sexy scamp Aye-Aye of the lost planet of Towerscape. Perrish has perished. The Mantis Widow made him into a headless womb...and I don't work for any--" Aye's mouth dried up in an instant. He stared at Stig like Stig had just stuck a knife in his forehead mid-sentence.

He finally managed an arid wheeze. "Flowermorey? J-J-James Flowermorey??"

"Damn right James Flowermorey," Stig said proudly.

"THE James Flowermorey?"

"Yes, THE James Flowermorey."

"Is that who is in the holding cell? Ja-James Flowermorey?"

"Ja-James Flowermory is indeed in the holding cell."

"I rode in an elevator...just inches from James Flowermorey?"

"James Flowermorey is exactly the man you rode right next to in a very small elevator."

"James Flowermorey A.K.A. Weird Jimmy?"

"Weird Jimmy James Flowermorey."

"Ok. Let's get to that airlock," Aye said in a panic.

James "Weird Jimmy" Flowermorey was the stuff of nightmares. He was up there with all the horror movie iconic killers. He was legendary. He was truly infamous and known from one side of the known universe to the other. There were small slugs under dead fallen leaves under rotten logs in never-seen-before swamps on Squambog that shuddered at the name of James "Weird Jimmy" Flowermorey. Even the cold virus steered clear of the man.