I Don't Seem So Bright in a Well-Lit Room

Chapter Twenty-Two

Waking General Kendra Eppie up early on a weekend was a remarkably daunting task. Even if he requested that early wake-up time, and promised he would remain calm and collected. 

Due to all the pain issues in his back, he often had a hard time falling asleep. Even when Freckles hid horse tranquilizers in the buttercream centres of his multi-coloured bedtime macarons. Once he was finally asleep, both he and his back wanted to stay there.

Freckles often told Eppie upon such requests, that this is what made waking him up so difficult. "I know how hard it is for you to fall asleep, and I hate waking you up because of that! Please don't make me. Your poor, poor back..." he'd say, but the truth was that he secretly loved it for this very reason. 

"Psst. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey," Freckles would say gently as to not startle the General into his day. "Hey."

"What?? What the fuck? You fucking fuck! Go fuck yourself and fuck off while you're at it you little fuck!" Eppie would open his eyes saying, with a violent spasm of yawns.

"I made muffins..."

"Take your fucking muffins and shove them up your fu—what kind of muffins?"

"Bran. Your doctor said you need more fibre."

"Have him killed. Are there raisins?"

"Yes."

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."

And thus began another fun-filled Saturday with Kendra Eppie. 

He had requested this early start because he had been given a hot tip that Vrume T'cha T'cha was up to something. It was time to get his Secret Force working a little harder than not at all. 

After news that Euphoria had been destroyed, reports came in that only a few ships had escaped. One was allegedly Vrume's. What an upstanding citizen like Vrume was doing at an establishment filled with criminals (at the time of its demise) was highly suspect. Eppie fantasized about taking a cigar trimmer to Vrume's wagging finger. 

He ate seven bran muffins, complaining about the raisins the entire time. This is why Freckles added them to his muffin batter. A complaining Eppie was an oddly content Eppie. Raisins would give him a good outlet, and distract him from complaining about anything else. 

He showered with Freckles, and they made love very, very quickly. He got his back brace on plus his uniform and ate three more muffins on his way out the door. Freckles was free to spend the rest of the morning watching game shows and relaxing. He enjoyed his day off, which was something The Node wouldn't have allowed if Eppie hadn't covered for him regularly (while sneaking in his own day off) each weekend. The Node hated vacation days.

He snacked on raisins. Not because he liked them either, but to give himself raisin breath for when Eppie returned.

When Eppie secretly arrived at the secret office of his Secret Force, only one secret agent was secretly there. His name was Erky Sands, and even he had only shown up because Freckles had given him the heads up the night before.

"Where is everybody else?" Eppie barked.

"Uh...it's a religious holiday," Erky lied, covering for his absentee co-workers.

"Religious holiday? Which one?" Eppie said slyly, wagging his own finger.

"Uh...it's Squambogian Mantis Widow Christmas."

"Is that a thing?"

"Sure."

"But none of them are Squambogian Mantis Widows..."