I Don't Seem So Bright in a Well-Lit Room

Chapter Four

General Kendra Eppie walked down the dark metallic corridor with a bit of a hunch. His back had been aching and his hot oil treatments kept getting cut short by tender and irresistible love making with his masseuse.

He caught his reflection in the shiny metal wall and straightened up. He watched himself walk, adding a puffed chest and an expression of cruel authority. With the thick curl of fuchsia hair upon his otherwise shining bald head, and his tall lanky frame, this looked put-on and ridiculous. Unhinged perhaps, but not authoritative.

He needed to be as foreboding as possible in front of The Node. As the right hand man of the evil ruler of the known universe, he couldn't afford to show weakness of character or spinal stenosis.

Nobody knew what planet General Eppie hailed from. It was said that he had blown up his own planet, killing billions of his race. He couldn't stand the competition and, as a result, his fragile overblown ego had decided he needed to be the last of his kind. It made him feel special. It made him feel all warm and fuzzy.

As he entered The Node's Great Chamber, he cupped his bony hand over his mouth and nose to check his breath. It smelled of mustard and dandelions. Perfect. He straightened up even more, making himself look extra unnatural and unintentionally strange. Standing this way also made his voice warble as it strained and filtered through his chronic back pain.

The Node had only ever seen and heard him walk and talk in this manner, so he had always assumed it was an odd norm and a trait of Eppie's mysterious race. It wasn't.

"General!" The Node called out in a booming, slightly electronic voice. The exact age of The Node was unknown. The small combed-over head that stuck out of the huge, imposing, black chrome robotic suit of armour looked ancient. He looked like someone's sweet old frail grandpapa sticking his head out of a hematite humanoid military tank.

"Your greatness," Eppie sharply warbled back.

"This is a great day!" The Node beamed. "The bright puce light alarm has finally been set off! Callooh! Callay!"

~~~

Aye dug at the ground around Potto in complete panic. He was running out of time to get off of Tractos. Potto smiled the smile of a child sleep-talking. Aye paused briefly, suddenly remembering that he was on a moon filled with criminals and dangerous ne'er-do-wells.

"Oh wait. You some kinda crazy psycho guy?" He asked.

"I imagine so," beamed Potto. It had been a long time since someone other than Lempshop had asked him a question and he wanted to seem agreeable to his new chum.

"You imagine so? Why are you here?"

"I was going for a stroll."

Deciding that, perhaps, in this situation it really didn't matter, Aye started digging furiously again as he continued asking questions. "No, no, no...what crime did you commit?"

"Ooooh! Nope, can't remember. I imagine it was terrible. It would have to have been, right?"

Aye stopped digging again. "Okay, let's start again. Will you hurt me if I finish digging you out?"

"Hurt you?"

"Yes. Y'know, cut off my thumbs? Skin me alive? Use my skull as a chamber pot?"

"No! I can't imagine why I'd do that. You seem so nice. And I just peed in this sand here."

"Good!" Aye went into wombat-mode and started digging like his life depended on it. Because it really, really did.

Soon Potto could use his wriggling super power to take over. He stood, sand caked onto the blood still damp on his shirt and the urine-soaked front of his trousers. Both of his feet were fast asleep and as Aye dragged him by the arm towards the open hatch of the Shiv, he felt like they were hard, fatty hooves attached directly to his knees.