The Chronicles of Rush: part 5

still here.

So, it's been a month since Aiden died. 

Things have gotten easier, slowly but surely. It's not as difficult to function anymore; I don't have to force myself to talk or eat or even fucking get out of bed. It's been a little easier to talk about him, too; I'd told my parents what happened only a few days after I found out, but was still having issues explaining stuff.

I've still been avoiding the internet a bit, since it's still really painful to keep being reminded that he's gone. I don't want to completely neglect my other friends, but I'm still getting used to this massive hole in my life.

I miss him so much.

It's not just what he did, but what he was to me. Yes, I miss his sass and creative insults and the way he could almost effortlessly make me feel better, but even more than that, I just miss him. His presence. Even if I never knew him in real life, it was always just nice to know that he was out there.

And it hurts so much to know that he's not, anymore.

I can't stop thinking about him. He influenced my life in all these little ways, and I'm reminded of him all the time.

I wish I knew if he knew how important he was to me.

But that's just another horrible thing: I'll never know. All these questions I'll never get an answer to. All these futures that can't happen anymore.

Things feel less like a distraction again, so that's good. For a while I couldn't read or watch stuff or even draw very much because it just felt...weird. Like I was trying to distract myself.

The first couple days, I spent a lot of time asleep, just because I didn't have the energy to do much else. I'm better now, though, getting back on my feet. I've gotten back into drawing digitally, and I've regained the energy required to write- err...to plan stuff I want to write.

Outwardly I think I seem a bit better. My family hasn't been treating me like I'm as fragile anymore, but I'm not sure if that's better or worse. I'm having an easier time talking and being around people and doing normal stuff, but my head's still a mess. I'm trying to not let that show as much IRL or on Discord, but everything still just...hurts. 

I ended up writing a whole long letter to him, all the stuff I wish I could say to him. I burnt it in the Solstice bonfire, which I thought was fitting for a lot of dumb little reasons I'm not going into.

That was more difficult than it probably should've been. Knowing that the closest I'll ever get to closure is burning a letter...it's hard.

That's really the hardest part of all this. No closure. I mean, I'm really glad I know what happened, but even so...

He's just gone. 

I kept thinking, 'it isn't supposed to end like this'.

But the thing is, whether it was 'supposed to' or not, it's already over. He's gone, and all I can do now is grieve, remember him, and slowly start to recover.

I think that's what he would've wanted me to do. 

---

Goodbye, Aiden. I loved you and miss you more than you could've known, and I hope your soul is at peace wherever you may be now.

You deserved better, and I promise to remember you and all you did for me.

-Rush💙