The Chronicles of Rush: part 5

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According to the calculator on my kindle, it's been four months, three weeks, and five days.

It's been way too long, and not nearly long enough.

I miss him so bad.

That doesn't even begin to cover it, honestly.

I don't just miss him. It's like there's something physically missing, something that I thought was supposed to be there for so much longer.

And it's not just so bad. It's horrible. It's bad enough that I find myself awake at two and three AM, chest aching like mad as I cry my eyes out again because I can't stop thinking about him.

I think all these stupid, selfish things all the time. I wonder about dumb little things, what he would've thought about this or that.

His death completely changed the past few months for me. Not ruined them, but...yeah, changed them.
I count days and weeks and months. I'm always thinking about how long it's been.
As soon as my mind comes anywhere near what happened in 2018, all I can think of is that it's the year I lost Aiden.

I don't even know what I want anymore.

I want him back. I want to talk to him again. I want to tell him how great he was, how much he meant to me.

I want to say goodbye.

There was nothing. There was one conversation with May, where one of the most important people in my life was ripped away. There was a two-page-long letter burnt in the Solstice bonfire, that I can't even remember most of now.
There was nothing else. 

Maybe this was always how it was going to be.

Maybe this wasn't a friendship that was ever going to last.

Maybe he was always going to only be in my life for a little while.

For whatever reason, maybe he was always going to be gone.

I can't even manage to ask 'why did this have to happen' anymore. 'why did it have to be him'. 'why right then'. 'why did any of this have to go this way.'

Because there's no answer. There never was, and there never will be.

It doesn't even matter if there's a 'why' or not, and it doesn't matter if there's an answer. Either way, no matter which question you're asking and which answer you're presenting, it doesn't change a thing.

He's still dead. He's still gone. He's still out of my life forever, and that can't be fixed in any way shape or form.