The Lightning Awards Season 3 [IN SESSION]

Northern Star

Judged by Mary Seph (ArimaMary)

Category: Simple Is Best

[ Author: Tieg2001 ]

>Title 3/5: "Northern Star" does the trick. It tells the reader the story is about Fubuki. Perhaps it is merely bad luck, but I have read that title being used recently in other stories so it does not come across as impressive or eye-catching. It is an alternate ending of Fubuki's arc, so something like Rising Star or taking another step and tie the title with something referenced in the story itself (basically, using a metaphor) will make it more relevant and eye-catching, making the reader go "ahhhh" or "ohhhh "when they understand why the story was named that way.

>Plot 16/25: I have to say, it took me quite a few reads to understand what was going on. Perhaps it was the word choice or the lack of physical description that made the story feel as if the characters were floating. This caused a snowball effect that affected your other scores in its respective categories. I would say half was the plot shown in the anime, and another half was your own twist; although at the first read I didn't see any divergence as you mentioned because of the first thing I said. I judged only on the plot of your own creation. What made the story fall in this item is how these new events were handled. The beginning is interesting; it would be so much better if the word choice improves considerably. The second twist didn't quite work as well because it seems to come out of nowhere. Starting from the beginning of the story, I don't know the protocol when an avalanche occurs so I will guess it is similar to a landslide. Someone reports it, and authorities like the police and the ambulance come to investigate. It is unclear if the sirens are getting close because of the accident or because of the avalanche (which has to be cleaned of course). On another topic, it would have been interesting to have had a solid visual of the state of the scarf when it was first mentioned. Was it hanging from a branch, a piece of metal, or in the floor? How come the lady asked if it was Fubuki's and not who did it belong to? On the topic of the lady, someone definitely should have stayed by his side to get a testimony or for emotional support. I was sure it was going to be her. He's just a little boy after all!

The next scene suffers from the recurring fault I first mentioned, unclear wording. I had no idea which soccer match it was because there were no pointers at the very beginning, grounding the scene. And it was just as hard to know who this goalkeeper was without a name--recommendations for these points are in Grammar and Style where I bring up more of these examples. The part I had the most trouble understanding was the turning point which hints a time skip, I think. Because I am still confused after thoroughly dissecting this one-shot. The change in the characters around Fubuki after this skip seemed baseless, out of nowhere. First being aggressive then supportive. Where did that come from? It needs a trigger, a strong one; and it will raise the emotions--the rising action--to swipe the reader off their feet. The ground has plenty of potential. You need to dig deeper.