The Lightning Awards Season 3 [IN SESSION]

The Unfinished Avatar

Judged by Shawn (Snowwhitewolf09)

Category: General

[ Author: Rainbow_Phoenix2006 ]

Title (2/5): While the title got me thinking about how a Keshin would be 'unfinished', it did very little more than that. The title struck me as a tad odd, as once I read through, I figured that it wasn't about the beginning of the Keshin. I also think it reveals too much about the story without a hint of subtlety, immediately making you look out for every instance of a Keshin to see which one would be 'unfinished'—that would have added to the story... but you'll hear more on that later.

Summary (3/10): I'll give it to you straight. Your summary doesn't look like one that would be for a book. It looks more like an overview of the first few chapters, with no explanation of what the plot really is and what else we should be looking for. It basically is just a lengthened version of saying "This is an Inazuma Eleven Go fanfiction."

It's quite bare, with absolutely no details to hook the reader or give any information about the book itself. If I had chanced upon your book without it being shown to me, I would've just skipped past it, as the only thing you promise to your readers is that events would be different. Which is something that is a given in all fanfictions.

Your sentences are a bit rough to read, a tad choppy. That isn't the main problem though, so that's not what should be worked on much. It's just a side observation.

Two points for effort, and one for a method that almost forces the reader to read the book—because there's no overview of it on the front.

Plot (5/25): As it stands, your book is quite bluntly an edgy retelling of the first season of Inazuma Eleven Go. Hopefully, you aren't going to make one of those fanfictions were there is just one small change, but that is what it looks like right now. It seems like the story will run us through the events of the Holy Road, except with a bipolar Tenma who has an overpowered Keshin and can one-man an entire team of SEEDs. If you're trying to make it deviate much more from canon, it certainly isn't evident.

A number of the chapters have passed, yet the only things that have happened so far are Tenma showing how broken his power level is, people talking about his 'hidden power', the Raimon team basically whining, and the revelation of the 'Unfinished Avatar'.

It's the last one I want to talk about now. You revealed and lost the only bit of intrigue you had very early on. You planted a seed and immediately harvested it without letting its roots sink in. This, combined with how you showed Tenma, didn't even make it a surprise. And because nothing else had come up to make the readers invested in the story at this point, the book would just seem like dragging of whatever happens next. You didn't build up well to the revelation.

I gave you 5 instead of the initial 3 that I wanted to give. And that is because I can see an avenue that you can explore. It seems that it is this Avatar that gives much strength to Tenma. Struggles and character moments can be made if he has to go on and face bigger foes without it.

Here's the best advice I can give you right now: deviate. You haven't laid down all the playing cards that can be laid down yet. There's Fifth Sector, there's Tenma, and there are a whole lot of other things in the background. Change them, shape them. As it stands, your Unfinished Avatar looks like it has little to do with things. Make it bigger. Change Tenma's backstory if you have to. Connect it to the antagonists. Connect it to all of the terrible things happening. Take the plot—no matter how much you like it, you'll have to bend it now—and stretch it to places that aren't usual. Put more emphasis on characters, even if they aren't usually highlighted in the show.

Characterization (3/20): I didn't find any characters, per se. I found Tenma and his cast of accessory cardboard cutouts. If you tried to make them more than just background, your efforts weren't exactly good enough. I'm not sure if it's poor presentation, bland dialogue, or the odd pace and emphasis—or a combination thereof—but there was little to no character in the story. They were all just dancing around Tenma, either whining or being little more than plot devices to show off Tenma's power.

Tenma himself seemed to an especially stereotypical bipolar/depressed edgy kid character. He was also very inconsistent—which might be attributed to the Avatar, but it just seems like a lazy excuse if it is. One moment he's enthusiastically bowing, another one and he's self-hating and self-defeating. He switches from one extreme to another. And as a character, his struggles feel superficial. Like they aren't there for more than plot. I don't get any sincere suffering from Tenma, nor do I feel like he conveys his plight well.

It is the beginning. There are still chances for you to correct this, by giving us more glimpses of their character. Dialogue, actions, and just quiet moments allow readers to get a feel of the character and connect with them. Right now, your protagonist has nothing to make him keep readers reading on. He doesn't have a shining quality that tugs. And your other characters don't feel like any more than decoration. But if you can manage to set aside the displays of power and action to show the more human side of them, then even these fictional characters can make us feel for them just as we empathize with real people.

Grammar and Writing Style (10/15): Your best suite. Writing mechanics and vocabulary are decent, just minor errors here and there that can be avoided if you run over them a bit more. Some of your sentences are a bit bland and a tad monotone, which bleeds into your dialogue. Your presentation of the events is a lot of showing and there is a little bit more to be desired. I feel like some characters could have been more than just background if you had just executed them a tad better. Overall, you've just got little problems here and there for this category.

Originality (3/10): When I advised you to deviate, I also mean it for this category. Not much you've provided so far other than your Hissatsu techniques and maybe some concepts behind Night strikes me as something that isn't common. One point was added for making slight deviations so far, as well as Tenma being a lot more of a shooter type.

Feels Factor (3/15): I don't feel that you've led my thoughts for long. I only had one itching thought, which was to figure out the 'unfinished avatar', and you dropped it rather quick. There's not much that I feel is being built up other than the revelation of Night. Aside from that, the non-characters and Tenma don't invoke any sort of sympathy. The players whine about their uselessness, and Tenma's struggle isn't so impactful. The only thing I feel is pity for Aki since she has to deal with Tenma and Night.

Total [Raw] 29/100 [Final] 29%

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