The Lightning Awards Season 3 [IN SESSION]

Spectral Illussion

Judged by Amy (daedaliaaan)

Category: Love Is In The Air

[ Author: Tieg2001 ]

Title (5/5): "Spectral Illusion" itself sounds very elegant and mysterious, which is able to intrigue the readers towards the story. The title acts as a foreshadow towards the plot within the story, and it's a clever way of hooking readers into reading to find out how the story relates with the title without giving away the major plot.

Summary (6/10): I admire how you used the poetic metaphor of a flower to describe a relationship. You made "love" itself sound very mystical and ethereal without sugarcoating the concept which people tend to do when they try to describe love using metaphors. The summary itself sounds very intriguing and attractive. I docked a point because, despite the very well-written Shakespearean-like summary, it seems slightly over the top for a simple one-shot. A summary like yours would be more suitable for a multi-chapter story with a complex plot. Not much grammar error except for the use of the word "relation" since it doesn't quite make sense when put together in the last sentence. Perhaps the word "relationship" was what you were going for. The sentence "however, just like any other flower is supposed to perish," is a little unclear with the word "supposed to." Perhaps it could be changed into "however, just flowers are destined to perish." Some parts of your poetic metaphor seems a bit unclear after a second read of your summary. Now, the use of Gaia - a fantastic use of Greek mythology, I personally enjoyed this - might not be familiar to the rest of the audience and may cause confusion. It seems a bit over the top to say love descends over the realm of "angels and mortals", considering no angels were discussed of in the story, making it slightly irrelevant.

Plot (24/25): I really enjoyed the plot! The flow of the plot was well executed, portraying the development of Tenma's grasp of reality in his mind. It was very interesting to see each phase he went through as he slowly realized the unfortunate truth around him. I find it very clever with how you paced the plot into making the audience think that Tsurugi was indeed alongside Tenma the whole entire time until the truth revealed itself. The plot build-up was brilliant. It got slightly confusing to read during the first few reads to understand each change of scene due to the many time skips, but I understand its necessity.

Characterization (18/20): I love the way you had characterized Tenma, especially the way you have written his thought process. Tenma is often projected as this young man who has a very optimistic view on life. It's refreshing to see such an optimistic person become a whole different person with a rather dark thought process after experiencing an unfortunate loss. You didn't make his sadness dramatic, which I truly appreciate. Tsurugi wasn't out of character - I really enjoyed his dialogues. I could easily imagine him saying his lines with the mannerism that you portrayed well in the story. The chemistry between Tenma and Tsurugi is something you really managed to show in a way that is not a cliche but very "them" if it makes sense. The reason why I didn't give you a perfect score is because I feel that Aki was a bit off, in a way that she doesn't seem to radiate much warmth than what I expected her to have. I understand that her role isn't the most prominent in this story, but I would have liked her character to be more of herself. But so far, your characterization of Tenma might be the best one I've ever read.

Grammar and Writing Style (14/15): Grammar mistakes are undetected and the use of past tense remained consistent throughout the entire story. The use of the first-person point of view works well in the storytelling process as it helps the audience sympathize better with Tenma's feelings. This way, every single emotion Tenma feels - from confusion to revelation - feel very personal to both the character and the audience. The way you write the shift in tone is very well done, the angst really hits you deep down inside. The use of short sentences helps build expectation and suspense from the audience. I don't really have much to say about your grammar and writing style considering that it is excellent, but I do think you could reduce the amount of skipped lines between each time skip. Skipping two or three lines should do the work, or maybe add three asterisks at the center to separate each time skip for it to be noticeable.

Originality (8/10): I don't think I've seen any other fics in this fandom that has touched this concept before. It might just be me since it has been a while since I last spent hours scrolling through fanfiction,  I think there might be a fic or two that might have a similar idea to this one. I docked two points because I'm rather unsure if this is truly an original concept, but I applaud you for putting your own twist on it by using the most joyful and positive character Tenma and twisting his character to portray how he would deal with such a personal loss.

Feels Factor (12/15): Not going to lie, I might have become too invested in the story and shed a tear here and there. You really did a good job portraying Tenma's self-denial and anguish in a way that is infectious to the audience. However, it did take me two reads to fully understand the flow of the plot and getting myself fully immersed into it. Do keep up the good work!

[Raw] 87/100 [Final] 87%

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